12.31.06

I’m Gonna Miss You, Austin

Posted in Life, The Universe, and Everything at 4:53 am

Greetings from Redondo Beach! My friends and I have been talking about it for the greater part of 2006, and it’s finally here.

Rather than babble about this “next phase of my life” or whatever, I’d rather reflect on some of my favorite experiences in Austin.

My Friends

We really recruit some awesome people at work. I could write a book about all the cool people I’ve met in Austin, but I’d like to focus on the big four:

1. Bassett – The Bass-Ass. Steve and I started work on the same day. Bassett is the most chill dude I’ve been friends with, which is a great thing because he helps neutralize my flip outs. You can’t go insane with Bassett around!

   When he wasn’t going back to Kansas literally once a month to be in a wedding, we had some wild nights downtown. Who can forget ACL 05, my 24th birthday with the girls, Corpus Christi, or the camping trip where you and Jordo got hammered off your asses and I spooned you. Hahaha… and of course the countless boat parties and that one night where all hell broke loose with Johnny, Snarr, and Jordo.

   Bassett has an affinity for getting his truck run into (what are we at, 4 times now?), breaking hearts, getting towed, and sleeping on my couch (it’s in LA waiting for ya buddy!) He also loaned me an air mattress, which about 15 people have slept on, and one person has covered with vomit.

   Steve is a great friend and a positive influence and there shall be many more humiliations to come in LA and at sales conferences!

2. Lon – Ahh, where do I start with the LAM – Little Angry Man. A fellow Buckeye and Browns fan, there’s never a shortage of shit to shoot with this guy. During the first Ohio State game he was complaining his job, which would turn out to be a common theme.

   He told me “Berto, I’m from Erie Pennsylvania – I was born to hate my job”, and the friendship was born!

   Many a Saturdays were spent together at Sam’s Boat cheering on the Buckeyes and being winners, but my favorites were the Sundays at Lon’s house watching the Browns, and thus, being losers. It was always great to go to Lon’s house and hang with him, his wife Daniela, and now his beautiful new daughter Vanessa. The house is so comfortable and a nice change up from my apartment dwelling. Deliciousness was ALWAYS achieved at Lon’s house too! We never had a bad meal there.

   I wish Lon and I had been young in college together… I have a feeling quite a few destroyals would have been made, including those that involve hanging off of the rafters.

   I’ll miss Lon bitching about his job, but I have a feeling that I’m yet to hear the end of it all.

3. Jordan – Jordo! Jordan is everything you expect when coming to Texas… tall blonde guy with loads of energy, a slight accent, a huge truck, and lots of boots and toys.

   Jordan’s boat parties will go down in history as some of the wildest ass times in my life, I don’t even know where to start with them. Every time I hear the song “Float On” I think of Memorial Day 05 and all the mayhem that ensued that weekend with Andyman and Johnny.

   Everyone loves Jordan, and for good reason. He’s always happy and fun to be around, smart, and very active. There’s always something new and exciting going on with Jordan around, the biggest problem for me is that I couldn’t keep up!

   Jordo’s currently in Italy doing some management, and while he’s been out there, America’s definitely sucked more and Europe is sucking less.

   And don’t believe him when he tells you he weighs less than 200 pounds. Trust me, I’ve had to drag his dead ass down 6th street one wild night.

4. Paul – He won’t admit it, but this guy’s the smartest bastard that I’ve yet to meet. Paul was always a help at work, down for BBQ at any time of the week, and without a doubt the best mover too! I’m deeply indebted to him!

   Paul mixes awesome techno CDs, be sure to check em out if you weren’t aware. He’s also always spinning up at the SlaughterHouse parties.

   My biggest regret was when I didn’t hang with Paul as much in the beginning of the summer… but I kinda stopped hanging out with everyone at that point.

   Of course there’s many others (Eric, Minh, Johnny, Natasha, Tiffany…) I could go on forever. You all rule!

The People

Like I’ve said before, people in Austin are just generally friendlier, and that rubs off on me. Women are attractive, people are in shape, and many people do their own thing and worry less about material stuff than most other people.

Barbecue

I can’t get over it. Rudy’s, Salt Lick, Stubb’s… wherever, it’s all incredible. I’m going to be moving to the land of sushi, but you know I’m bringing a bunch of that Texas BBQ sauce with me to LA!

WEIRD

Keep Austin Weird. I have stuck true and adopted it, and now I pretty much NEVER eat at chain restaurants and don’t buy RIAA-sponsored albums. Support the local scene. I’ve become more anti-chain than ever.

Lake Travis

A beautiful place, and the site of many ridiculous parties and stories. I’ve gotten humiliated on the Lake more times than I can count. The OSU-Texas weekend humiliations were great.

I came here less when Jordan’s boat got sold, but I plan to return again!

Posada Del Rey

This place is the best hidden gem that downtown has to offer. I am convinced that if you want to live in a condo/apartment downtown, then this is far and away the best spot.

People call it Melrose Place, but I’ve never seen that show. My biggest regret is not hanging with more neighbors sooner, and not moving there sooner!

Town Lake

After moving downtown, I began running the Town Lake trails on the north side of the river. This is an awesome spot full of runners, bikers, families, and dog-walkers (arf!). I’ll carry with me a small scar on my hand from the nasty spill I took one night in the dark.

Additionally, I have to give some lovin to the kind folks over at Run-Tex, for having the water coolers under the Mopac Bridge. The bonus was when you would get some red or orange Gatorade instead of water on some of the coolers! Rock on Run-Tex!

Going Away Parties

In my line of work, there’s a lot of people coming and going. Thus, there’s always going away parties, and they’re always bittersweet. You meet great people, and then they’re gone. Or then you’re gone, as is the case for me now.

Little Woodrow’s

My favorite bar, especially for chillin. Just beer and wine, never too loud, fun happy hours, and best of all, right in my backyard.

The Riata Weightroom and their friendly staff

I’ve been working out free there for a year and a half. Always spotlessly clean, rarely (if ever?) crowded, and everyone there is nice. This is the only place where I’ve liked a guy with a popped collar!

Emo’s

My favorite place to catch a concert. Where else can you find kids hanging off the rafters outside while listening to metal all while wearing shorts in November?

University of Texas

What can I say, they’re not THAT bad! The fans were great to us and took their disappointing football season on the chin like good folks.

The Aggies

That’s right, I love the people at Texas A&M. It was always a great switch-up from Austin for a visit, and everyone there is friendly and loves a good beer. Aggies are class, if not a bit weird for their all male cheerleading and goofy towels/rags.

Living Alone / Cost of Living

Let’s face it, it’s cheap in Austin, and not cheap in LA. In Austin, I got accustomed to doing things that you wouldn’t do with roommates around. It’s

Sterling Acura

My salesman Gregory told me that they aspire to be the Norstrom of car dealerships in Austin – and they succeed. Free car washes, bottled water, green tea, and Starbucks coffee await me whenever I visit. Oh, and I got a great deal…

Free Chips and Salsa

Any place serving anything with beans has free authentic chips and salsa – it’s a free appetizer and incredibly delicious. I now despise non-barbeque restaurants that do not serve me free chips and salsa to gorge on.

Alamo Draft House

Killer place to grab a beer and see a flick. DO NOT miss out on the Sinus Show!

Well folks, keep in touch, and stay weird!
-berto

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12.28.06

My Top 15 Albums of 2006

Posted in Music Reviews at 1:17 am

Happy Holidays from MikeRoberto.com!

Each year, my friend Brian and I share our Top 15 albums of the year. Brian is a much more intense music aficionado than I am, so he often finds the good stuff all throughout the year. I always find a way to piss him off by putting an album that he doesn’t like much into my Top 5. This year is no different:

1. Iron Maiden – A Matter of Life and Death

   The Gods of metal put out yet another amazing album. I can’t believe it, they find a way to change and stay the same all at once, and are rocking out while their peers are all in nursing homes. These guys are still firing on all cylinders, and that’s unbelievable, just like this album.

2. Agalloch – Ashes Against the Grain

   There’s no denying it: I cannot stop listening to Agalloch. This atmospheric, doom metal band out of Portland simply stuns me. Falling Snow (track 2) and Not Unlike the Waves (track 5) put me into a trance.

   Not too many people have this album rated so high. Brian has it at 20. This is one band where we don’t agree much at all.

3. David Gilmour – On An Island

   I’m not a Pink Floyd fan, but this album makes me want to go check their stuff out now. This kind of music doesn’t come by every day, so I was very happy to get hooked on it earlier this year. Much slower than the above stuff.

4. Green Carnation – The Acoustic Verses

   Another slow one, but it’s obviously up here for a reason. Green Carnation used to be a pretty intense band, but they did not separate themselves from the pack like they do with their slower music. Beautiful acoustic tunes inside, I wish this album was longer. This is Brian’s clear #1 pick.

5. Amon Amarth – When Oden on Our Side

   Whoa, where in the hell did this one come from? This album whips! It’s melodic, it’s death, and it doesn’t sound like the same old Amon Amarth that we’ve heard from the previous 3 albums. I’m hooked. The last song might be the best ending of any album of the year. This album is war.

6. Hammers of Misfortune – The Locust Years

   Remember my blog entry ranting about A Confederacy of Dunces? Well, 90% of that book was read while listening to this album. Weird books deserve weird music. Hammers of Misfortune is just bizarre, and I love everything they do.

   They also put on one of the best concerts I’ve been to, despite there only being 7 of us in attendance at the Grog Shop in Cleveland.

7. Wolfmother – Wolfmother

   Rock with attitude is back! These Ozzies actually deserve the fame they’re getting. Good for them, it’s good music. My myspace page has a track of them (Woman) on my little playlist there.

8. Strapping Young Lad – The New Black

   Devin Townsend put out two albums this year (this one and Synchestra with the Devin Townsend Band), and once again, he spreads himself far too thin. I’d almost given up on SYL, but this album really is good. They’re not just trying to play super fast, they’re actually making music! It’s just not as innovative as the above albums. Their remake of Far Beyond Metal is insane.

9. Amorphis – Eclipse

   After the egg they laid in their last album, Amorphis got a new singer, and the music is really quite catchy. I have no complaints about it except it might be too simple.

10. Leaves’ Eyes – Legend Land EP

    If you’ve seen my Last.fm page, you’d know that Leaves’ Eyes is one of my favorites. The music on this is great, but I’m just not big on EPs. I want full-length albums to absorb completely. I look forward to their next album, especially after seeing them live.

11. The Quill – In Triumph

    Another rocker! This is a pretty heavy album, but not so much that I consider it metal. I guess Deep Purple could come to mind. Either way, it grooves, and it’s good. Cool cover, as you can see to the right.

12. Wolverine – Still

    Some great tracks on this one, but this album just wasn’t piece together right for me. Right when it’s getting momentum, they completely destroy it. The good tracks are great, the bad ones are downright aggravating. Sleepy Town (track 5) is a hit though.

13. Peeping Tom – Peeping Tom

    Mike Patton’s triumphant return was in my rotation for quite a bit, but then it completely fell off the face of the planet for me. It’s cool, it’s different, but I’m just never in the mood for it anymore. If you liked Mr. Bungle (or any of Patton’s other side projects for that matter), you’ll LOVE this.

14. Supersuckers – Paid EP

    This band was a great rock find by Brian. If you like Wolfmother, Hellacopters, or Clutch, you might as well check this out. They definitely don’t suck. Check out their album The Evil Powers of Rock and Roll.

15. Johnny Cash – American V: A Hundred Highways

    Wow. Just wow. I never was a Cash fan, but this is an album of a man pouring out his dying heart and soul into lyrics. The music is put together wonderfully post-mortem. The reason it’s low on this list is because I only started listening to it in the past couple of weeks.

Honorable Mentions – Evergrey – Monday Morning Apocalypse (starts good, ends horribly boring), Katatonia – The Great Cold Distance (no hooks for me this time, I need more listens), Blind Guardian – A Twist in the Myth (fun the first time, then I get really, really tired of it)

Worst Album of the Year – In Flames – Come Clarity.
Nu FlaymeZ is at it again with their crappy new style. Once upon a time, there was a band that created an album named Colony. And the kids listening to this lame ass shit don’t even know about it.

Biggest disappointment of the year – Lacuna Coil – Karmacode, by a long shot. I can’t believe anyone allowed this piece of shit to leave the studio. What in the hell are they trying to do? I can’t even explain it, except for “it sucks”.

I also disappoint in Devin Townsend Band – Synchestra, and Raunchy (I really love Confusion Bay, but that’s it with them).

I’m not sure where to put Haunted except that I never want to listen to it. I’d rather pop in Amon Amarth.

Obligatory “Stuff I forgot to listen to” list – Slayer, Mastodon, Lamb of God, Mercenary, Meat Loaf. I assume all of the albums on this list are off of the list for a reason.

Slayer, Mastodon, and Lamb of God are always the same crap recycled over and over. I didn’t like it much last year, I don’t like it much this year.

Overall, 2006 was a good musical year for me. At first glance, it seemed weak, but then the list just kept growing and growing in depth.

And yes, there is more slow stuff than usual. My tastes are opening, and I am no longer just digging death metal, power metal, and progressive music. 2007 will hopefully start off with a bang – Porcupine Tree’s recording is done.

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12.19.06

Why You do NOT Deserve to be the TIME Magazine Person of the Year

Posted in Current Events at 3:44 pm

Warning: This op-ed is extremely American-centric, since it’s where I live and what I know. I know that the Person of the Year can be from anywhere (or even a non-human), but I am focusing on America. Feel free to add comments or write your own if you can do better.

In what could be the greatest literary cop-out of this young century, TIME Magazine has surprised the world and selected YOU to be their annual Person of the Year. That’s right, they chose you.

Now, I know that 2006 has been quite a pathetic and abysmal year as far as world news goes, and the primary choices were bleak at best… but YOU? ME?!

TIME’s article is well-written, inspiring, and thought-provoking. But it’s also dead wrong. Here’s why:

Social Media – Few working for all

For starters, the report linked from this page states that only about 8% of people blog. While that’s not a bad number, but it’s certainly not enough to warrant any awards. And I seriously question the number of those blogs that are frequently updated.

If that’s not enough data, then look at this article: Top 100 Digg Users Control 56% of Digg’s Homepage Content. For those of you who don’t know, Digg.com is a community-based website that focuses primarily on technology and allows users to submit articles and digg, or vote, the popular ones to the front page.

Similarly, you can check out The Importance of 10%. This article spells out the 1:10:89 rule:

The 1% rule for social media, which says that for any group of 100 people, there will be 1 person that actually creates content, 10 people that interact with the content, and 89 that just view the content. This is also called the 1:10:89 Rule.

Those numbers might be a bit off, but you get the point: few do the work for many.The same goes for Wikipedia. See the article on Pareto Principle, and offending links therein.

And then, of course, there’s YouTube. The site whose success is almost entirely due to copyrighted Comedy Central clips and idiots setting themselves on fire and the like. How many of YOU have actually posted a video on YouTube though?

And for those of you that have posted something to YouTube, such as these girls in the hugely popular Hey Clip (which I can’t bring myself to watch more than 12 seconds of), good work – you just made someone else a boatload of money, courtesy of Google’s speculative investors. Why do you deserve an award for that?

So relatively few of you blog, submit articles to wikipedia, post videos on YouTube, or do anything collaborative on the Internet besides waste your time on MySpace (I’m not without guilt on this one). TIME has it all wrong.

I’m just getting started…

But now you got me mad, people. Not only are you undeserving of this award, you are undeserving of anything besides a slap in the face. Let’s take a look at how badly you’re screwing things up:

• You spend $1.10 for every $1.00 you make (original data here).

  Is anybody aware of how freaking bad this is?!?! Do any of you realize that this is cited as one of the potential causes of the Great Depression? I’m not saying we’re heading there, but I AM saying to stop spending money you don’t have and won’t have in the near future.

• 4.7% of you are delinquent on your mortgage payments, a steadily rising number. 12.6% of subprime borrowers are not making payments.

  With all the ARMs (adjustable rate mortgages) out there, I have a hard time believing that there won’t be a lot of foreclosures next year. Especially now that 20% of mortgages are sub-prime, stated income mortgages are increasingly used, 60% of you sub-prime people are lying about your incomes, and many of you have negative equity in your homes.

  Let me spell this out for you: STOP BUYING SHIT YOU CAN’T AFFORD. IT IS BAD FOR YOU AND BAD FOR THE ECONOMY.

• You are still building shitty automobiles, and your mistakes are beginning to take their toll.

  

  I’m all for American-made products whenever it makes sense, but I’m sorry, never in my life would I trade my Acura in for a Ford or GM vehicle. An increasing number of Americans agree with me this past decade.

• Manufacturing might be next… ISM is under 50. Every time this happened since the 60s, we’ve gone into a recession
• In 2000, we had a glut of crappy websites, network hardware, and overpriced NASDAQ stocks. Now, we have a glut of crappy cars and homes that people can’t afford. Which bubble bursts louder?

  And despite this bad news, what did you do? You ran the stock market up to an all-time high this year. Shown to the side is the Wilshire 5000 Index, an all-around market indicator. Go ahead and check out any other indicator and you’ll see the same thing – you have driven the stock market to its highest points.

  Now excuse me for my bearishness, but am I the only one that doesn’t think that the US economy is at an all-time best? trade deficits are astronomical (admittedly no thanks to my Acura purchase), the dollar is steadily losing its value, inflation is NOT under control, we still have practically no control over the most important thing to our economy (oil), and everybody’s collectively in debt. In the meantime, our “conservative” government went and spent more money than any other administration in history.

  I hope I’m wrong, but I just don’t feel like investing at this “high” right now.

I’m not done yet…

• Nearly a quarter of you still smoke…
• 32.2% of you are obese….
• …while anywhere from 57 to 62% of you think that me and my tax money should pick up the fucking tab when you get sick from it all
• In the meantime, over half of you STILL don’t vote… despite all of those political YouTube videos you kids watched.

  There is one thing I’ll admit that I’m happy you did: enough of you showed up at the polls to neutralize the man who may end up being the single worst president of US history.

And then there’s entertainment…

• You have made Paris Hilton ridiculously famous for reasons I can’t fathom.
• You have made it impossible for me to go grocery shopping without seeing magazines that ALL feature either Brad Pitt, Jennifer Aniston, and/or Jessica Simpson on the cover
• You paid tens of billions of dollars for one of the absolute worst movie years I can remember
• 59% of you still use an inferior web browser (that number is even higher in the US) – possibly the single most exploited and costly piece of software in the history of computing.
• And, of all offenses, NICKELBACK is in the top 3 album sales of 2006. Are you people serious?

America, I really do love you. The fact that I am writing this (and that I can write this) proves that. But boy are you giving me the fits lately.

You need accountability. You need responsibility. Stop spending money that you don’t have, stop eating food you don’t need, and stop obsessing with insignificant things like gay marriage, marijuana prohibition, and Nicole Richie.

And stop pretending that you deserve to be the Person of the Year. Because you don’t.

2006 will go down as a horribly delusional year, and the only thing that’s worse is the aftermath that we’ll have to deal with in 2007.

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12.18.06

I Had LASIK Surgery

Posted in Fitness at 12:02 am

In the spring of 2004 while at Ohio State, I spent two nights in a row with my contacts in. After the second night, I took them out for a few hours, but put them back into play softball with my friends. Within an hour, my eyes came under intense pain. Washing them out did nothing, so I ran home and took my contacts out.

It was too late. My filthy contacts had given me a corneal infection, and I had a housemate, Ryan, take me to the hospital. Some antibiotic drops every hour for two days took care of the problem, and I learned my lesson.

The lesson was this: “When I can afford it, I’m getting LASIK surgery.”

I kept true to that promise and saved up for LASIK this year using a flexible medical spending account, and shopped around Austin for the best clinic.

So on Thursday, Dec 14, I had LASIK at LaserView in Austin.

Steve-o took me to the clinic at 7:30am, where they put some painkilling eye drops in, dilated my eyes like never before, and gave me a deliciously tasty valium (along with an Aleve).

I like LaserVIEW because they use two lasers – one to cut the flap of the eye, rather than a blade, and then a Wavefront-Guided Custom LASIK laser as well.

The first laser was easy enough, and the flap cuts were made. My right eye took it well, but some bubbles got into the left eye’s flaps, so we had to wait five minutes for the bubbles to dissolve out. A normal occurrence, but it could have caused some future problems.

At this point, I was well under the effects of the Valium, and was helped to the LASIK machine. The surgeon, Dr. Walters, moved the flaps with a mini-spatula, which made my vision move around like something out of a bad trip as he was getting the cornea out of the way.

When the flap was off, everything was ridiculously blurry. My eyes were clamped down, and I was staring intently at the tiny red light, which was absolutely enormous in my field of vision at the time. Thirty seconds for each eye, a nasty smell of burning flesh, and they then “painted” the flap back over my eye.

Steve almost vomited twice while watching my eyes on TV.

After the flaps were put back on, things were very foggy, but under that fog I could instantly tell that things were already greatly improved. It was amazing. I thanked the doctors, stumbled out with sunglasses on, and Steve grabbed some breakfast tacos from El Arroyo before I passed out. Looking into light really hurt due to the dilation.

With these lasers, there’s about an hour or so worth of burning pain. It helps to sleep through it, which I half-succeeded at. Unsurprisingly, the goggles they gave me to protect from scratching my eyes didn’t fit so well on my rather large nose. The burning feeling wasn’t all that bad, it felt exactly like when I’d get hot sauce in my eyes (as a hot wing devourer and contact wearer, this happened more than you’d imagine). I’d rather not have it, but it wasn’t that bad.

The Valium did numbers on me. I slept more in the next two days than I have since being a baby. I would gladly take another Valium on a boring weekend.

The next day, my right eye was 20/20, and my dominant left eye is unfortunately 20/30. Every time I wake up I get so excited to look at my clock…

My complication is that I have some inflammation in the left eye which is right by the pupil, and it has not yet gone down. Everything in my left eye is just a bit “off”… as if I have a contact that’s not exactly fitting right.

So it’s now Sunday, and I cannot yet say that I’m completely satisfied. I need my left eye to read, and it is still not as good as the contacts were. It is amazing that I’m not wearing any lenses, but I want perfection and my inflammation still hasn’t gone down. I also have poor night vision and lights at night give me the “halo” effect around lights at night, but that’s all normal.

I will keep you updated to see if my left eye’s problem goes down, but if it stays like this forever, I will have it touched up.

Until then, I’ll continue my steady dosage of eye drops, and hope that the claims that it gets better throughout the first month are true. At that point, I’ll give a full recommendation for LaserVIEW in Austin.

Thanks again, Steve! And Ryan too!

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12.11.06

Weekend Review – Los Angeles Birthday Action

Posted in Travels at 9:01 pm

I was in LA from Dec 6-10 doing some work, house-hunting, and celebrating my 25th birthday with some old and new friends.

My job in LA is going to be great. The territory is awesome, the job is fun (but difficult), and it will definitely not get boring.

House-hunting went well, and I found a place to live with a few guys in Redondo Beach, right by Hermosa Beach. It’s a 20 minute walk to the ocean, which isn’t too bad. I plan to bike down there and run on the strand. The house is very nice and the roommate I met was great.

Saturday I turned 25. It was a great day – I had a good workout, was treated to lunch by Claire, signed my lease, and then went out with Brownie and a bunch of new friends (Shawn, Heather, Lindsay, and whoever else I met).

After a nice dinner, we made it to West Hollywood to get started at Lindsay’s place. It was a great time, but once the tequila started flowing, I knew I was in trouble.

We made it to the Saddle Ranch and the drinks kept coming. We watched people work the mechanical bull (Lindsay owned it)… thankfully I didn’t because I definitely would have vomited everywhere. Dennis Rodman was also there, but my birthday was obviously far more important.

The last thing I remember was leaving the bar, but apparently we were up a lot later because I had to call Matt at 3:30am. From what I’ve heard, I got lost from the group when we were all going from Lindsay’s apartment to the cab. This is the only story I’ve heard, and I don’t even want to hear the rest. I was so humiliated… haha. Thanks for the great time everyone!

Sunday was pure misery. I hate drinking that much and don’t plan on doing it too often. Airplane hangovers are the worst.

Anyway, I’m looking forward to the move to LA, but for now it’s time to finish up some business in Austin!

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