04.02.07
I Didn’t Want to Go There Anyway…
Well, tonight’s basketball game made it easy. It is with official authority that I tell you that I will never move to Florida. I will avoid visiting at all costs, and I will do as little business there as humanly possible. Forever.
Let me start by saying that I’m not a sore loser – the University of Florida basketball team was clearly the best team in the tournament this year, and they deserve the championship. Furthermore, their football team beat the hell out of ours, and deserved that championship as well.
But that doesn’t mean I’m going to let it ruin my day-to-day life.
Imagine that I live for 100 years. Pretty much, if I lived it out in Florida, for the next 75 miserable years, I would hear on a constant basis about how much Florida owned Ohio State in 2007 from every jackass down there1 who was privileged enough to speak to me for more than 3 minutes2. FOR 75 YEARS.
I have thick skin, but I can’t tolerate such annoyances on a daily basis. So I won’t.
Who would want to subject their lives to this? Every conversation you have with a new person would consist of the same 5 minute spit-fest about 2007, most likely done in a lame and insulting manner. The unfathomably lame phrase “Ohio State is Gator Bait” would drive nails on your chalkboard every time you heard it – and you hear retarded shit like that a lot down in Florida.
You’d have this conversation 50 times with old high school friends at the 10th year reunion:
Me: “Oh yeah, life’s great, except I’m living in Florida”
Other Person: [ahhhs and nods head in understanding, unfortunate fashion]
You would cringe every time you saw that ugly logo, or those ridiculous colors. You would grow to hate people in ways unknown to mankind. The bitterness would be unimaginable.
If you could live a meaningful existence anywhere you wanted, why not do it in a place where you won’t be razzed all your life? I’m bitter enough as it is, and I’m just too lazy to want to deal with it any more than is already necessary.
So count me out; this seals it. I now do not ever want to speak to an additional 5% of this country’s population, nor do I want to set foot in 1.7% of the land mass.
And that’s fine by me. I didn’t want to go there anyway.
1 Which is practically every native of the state
2 Which is, invariably, the amount of time it takes for me to mention my Buckeye roots
Uncle A said,
04.03.07 at 4:31 am
I agree with you about Florida, but for different reasons. Did you know that the highest point in South Florida is 52 feet above sea level and it’s in the middle of a golf course that costs$180.oo to play a round. Murray Hill in Cleveland is higher. If it weren’t for the multi-million dollar homes and high rise condo’s that people spend 3 months a year living in, S. Florida would be a flat swamp with palm trees, gators and bugs(oh it’s like that now), but at least your vote counts, sometimes two or three times. A few friends go down there for the winter and spend 2 hours a day checking on Cleveland weather and are in bed by 9:00.
Allen Piscitello said,
04.03.07 at 7:46 am
The game wouldn’t have been so bad if Jo-Kim Noah wasn’t on the team. I eagerly await his failure in the WNBA.
Allison said,
04.03.07 at 11:09 am
My life right now could be cited in your blog…
I am in literally in Buckeye Hell, a place where Buckeyes couldn’t even imagine - not even in their worst nightmares. A place where Buckeyes are “just nuts” and are looked down upon lower than the lowest scum of the earth. I get dirty looks and people literally in my face yelling about how “those nuts” totally suck when even the word “Ohio” is mentioned. They can’t even get the name of our school right - down here Ohio State is just “Ohio” and no one seems to understand the difference (even though I’d be spit on if I referred to Florida as Florida State or vice versa). I am constantly subjected to the AWFUL ANNOYING Gator cheers like “ORANGE!!!……….BLUE!!!!!!…..ORANGE!!!!…….BLUE!!!!!!! (creative, I know) and “da da da da dada GATOR BAIT!!” with the annoying arm chomp (which I absolutely refuse to do). The new, even more retarded saying that has begun is “AGAINesville” - who’s the douchebag that came up with that one?
So I agree with and completely support your decision to never come here - in fact I highly recommend it - even if it means you’ll never visit me - because I would never subject another Buckeye to the lameness and douchebags of Gainesville (where guys pop the collars of their pink polos and girls get boob jobs at 18).
I just hope our Buckeyes (and Buckeye fans) can quickly recover from this humiliation by Florida. One thing I am most upset about is my two alma maters will forever be archrivals and I will be stuck in the middle of all of it - my beloved Buckeye friends annoyed because I go to UF and my current home city constantly trashing my roots.
Only three more years until I can be back in the glorious midwest (or at least FAR away from the dirty south) where the people are friendly, the weather is shitty, and everyone knows what a Buckeye is and what it means to be one.
Aaron C said,
04.03.07 at 5:12 pm
I would also like to agree with Allison that you could have it much, much worse. Picture this: You have a quiz Monday and an exam Tuesday afternoon. In spite of these facts, you decide to throw caution to the wind and roadtrip with three of your classmates (one of whom is also a die-hard U of M fan) and drive to Atlanta for the game. Your beloved Buckeyes turn in yet another uncharacteristic subpar performance and lose yet another national championship to UF. Now, on your drive back to Gainesville you get to spend the next several hours thinking about how all 81 of your classmates are going to talk trash about your alma mater all day… and the next… and the following week… any time anybody mentions a national championship ( Imagine Columbus post: Fiesta Bowl… x3)… not to mention the now certain-to-never-end talk about how the SEC is God’s gift to sports, and the Big Ten is merely a junior high-level conference. Pretty picture, right? Now, instead of a picture, think of it as one long, drawn-out, terrible movie that lasts until at least May of 2010 and consider yourself fortunate.
B's said,
04.03.07 at 6:39 pm
Berto,
I am linving here and let me tell you it is rediculous. People that don’t have a clue were giving me shit at work today. Also how bad is it when your team is winning and two Florida fans get into a fight in BW3’s. I mean come on who does that. I love Florida but the people here are not like back home.
Living through hell in the swamp,
B’s