09.20.07

Guest Writer - Dan Donatelli: Milk Nipple Envy

Posted in Guest Writers, Life, The Universe, and Everything at 4:57 pm

Hello legion of readers - Today I’m going to hand things over to my friend Dan Donatelli, owner of Gone Fiction and writer of his infamous annual magazine, Green Genes. Please join me in thanking Dan for his insightful prose. I now present his latest piece, Milk Nipple Envy:

Hello Berto’s Bloggerheads! This is Berto-friend Dan Donatelli coming at you today with a Berto-sanctioned guest blog article on everyone’s favorite subjects: nipples and milk!

You see, I was higher than God’s balls the other day, eating box after box of cereal — as is my wont! — and staring at a gallon of milk when I started thinking about women: how they gripe, how they have nipples!

Now, I’m a man. I drive fast; I chew dirt; I wear leather boxers; I use semicolons with approximate accuracy. And, of course, I drink milk straight outta the jug! And like all men, when I generously suckle a sweet sip of the white goodness, I am relentlessly under attack by all of Womankind who remind me time and again that they find my milk-drainage practices boorish, disgusting and devolved.

I just happened to be chuggin’ from the jug when it occurred to me — me being the person who was thinking at the time (please try to keep up) — that maybe women’s unbridled obsession with keeping men from drinking milk straight from the bottle goes beyond civility and manners. I think their revulsion goes all the way down to…
Biological Jealousy.

You’ve heard of Penis Envy? Meet Milk Nipple Envy. (Name subject to change.)

For millions of years, women had a monopoly on the milk racket. Their “jugs” — or as I call them “Lactose Palaces” or “Tits” — had the market cornered, and if men or babies needed a sweet teet treat, they and their precious nipples were the place to go.

Because of that, when they see a pair of human lips puckering up for a delicious swig of ice-cold milk — the dessert of beverages, the ambrosia of bone density — they and their breasts feel useless and old fashioned. They feel vulnerable. They feel unwanted. In short, they feel like women.

And now women have competition everywhere — from cow’s milk to goat’s milk to soy and rice milk. (Imagine that — a grain of rice or splotch of soy with udders!) So what do women do? They do everything they womanly can. They staunchy stop men from enjoying a mighty mouthful of milk by griping away until he pours the milk into a non-threatening, non-nipple-looking cask.

So what’s the moral here? What’s the lesson?

I don’t know.

I suppose it’s just another reason for me to hate women.

Tune in next week, when I will dissect the cultural and pharmacological differences between Nick Nolte and Gary Busey.

Dan’s work, including his latest Comedy Sketches, can be found at GoneFiction.com. Thanks Dan!

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