10.21.07

Guest Writer Galante: The OODD Antipodean

Posted in Guest Writers, HUMILIATIONS at 1:27 pm

While I am not a spiritual person, I sometimes believe in a universal system of karma. After all, when you win, there has to be at least one loser. And when you win big, there has to be a big loser.

So after last weekend’s OODD (Ohio Obliteration Domination Day), it only made sense that there was someone out there on the receiving end of all the punishment that Ohio handed out.

That somebody’s name is Galante. He is a Vanderbilt alum who roots for LSU when he wants to cheer for a real team. A Chicago Bears fan who never lived in Chicago (or even in the Midwest). And one lousy defensive flag football player. This is what he sent after getting his hat handed to him all weekend long. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Galante, the OODD Antipodean, the man who got what he deserved:

Ok so that was perhaps one of the worst football weekends of my life. Anybody that thinks their weekend was even remotely as bad, read the below and then try to talk to me. No, I’m not bitter or anything… (long email to follow - but I bet you will laugh thinking of me that pissed off)

Let’s start off Saturday. LSU (my second team behind Vandy) keeps letting Kentucky back into the game, can’t put them away, the refs sucked [Kentucky's] ass for lack of a better phrase, and the deserved number 1 team in the nation goes down. And don’t anybody give me some crap about how Ohio State is the true number 1 in the land (South Florida is more deserving then they are). The Big Ten is nowhere near the level of the SEC! Why do you think LSU only dropped to number 5?

Then, Vanderbilt has Georgia on the ropes at home for homecoming (yeah, one of these days our athletic leaders will learn to schedule a frickin winnable homecoming game), 17-17, driving late in the 4th quarter. Literally (no joke), right as I call my Vandy alum brother to see if he is watching the game on ESPN2, Vandy runs to the Georgia 7 yd line and fumbles the football with 2 min to go. The end result, surprise surprise, Vandy lets Georgia go right down the field and kick a chip shot FG as time expires to win. Georgia in their classy ways then proceeded to celebrate on the Vandy star and move up in the Top 25 of all things. I’da taken off my mascot helmet and bitch slapped some of those UGA players with it. Needless to say, I hung up the phone on my brother as soon as we fumbled. Besides, he hadn’t answered yet anyway.

Then, that’s right, not done yet, now we go to Sunday, I’m sure Papa Bear George Halas was rolling over in his grave after watching Adrian Peterson basically sexually assault our defense. Yeah, we came back (or should I say Devin Hester did), only for him to kick us in the groin again on the ensuing kickoff return to setup a game winning FG. Somewhere, Courtney (the Viking ex-GF) is laughing at me… And how the hell did I end up in a bar a block from my home that happened to be infested with possibly ALL of the obnoxious Viking and Packer fans living in SoCal. I wish I had a taser at the time (to subdue myself first so I didn’t have to listen to those punks). Oh yeah, Green Bay won too (bite me Favre) and the Patriots took out the Cowboys. Great Sunday (if you’re bent over in a shower in prison!).

Then Sunday wasn’t over. I played a flag football doubleheader with a pulled quad that is nicely colored yellow and purple right now (at least they’re decent team colors) and a bum heel. My team got swept, and I of course got burned twice for TD’s by a lanky, gimpy dude because I couldn’t seem to grab a flag to save my life and because this white boy (yours truly that is) couldn’t jump to knock a ball out of an in stride 6 ft 6 slow white boy. Great weekend indeed… How was everyone else’s weekend?

… thank you Galante! And to answer your final question… it was a lot better than yours! GO INDIANS, else my weekend might be worse than his!

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10.13.07

10/13/2007 - Ohio Obliteration Domination Day (OODD)

Posted in Sports at 10:40 pm

Today was a day like no other – one in which two of my beloved teams beat the living tar out of their opponents. It began with Ohio State’s massive (yet predictable) 48-3 victory, and ended nearly 12 hours later with the Cleveland Indians’ extra-innings destroyal of the much hated Boston Red Sox, whose bullpen collapse could be compared to any recent Whitney Houston meltdown.

Not only did the Buckeyes come through in flying colors, but they also vaulted themselves to the #1 ranking due to the humiliating defeats of the underachieving LSU Tigers and the overachieving Cal Golden Bears, who we hope enjoyed their 15 minutes of fame.

But it doesn’t stop there. Nearly every team in Ohio won their respective sports games today – which forces me to announce today as Ohio Obliteration Domination Day, or OODD for short.

In the MAC division, the highly underrated Ohio University Bobcats held off the advances of inbred rival Eastern Michigan in a thrilling exposition of defensive power, 48-42.

Miami of Ohio, otherwise known as ‘J-Crew U’, mustered the ability to find 22 male students who do not wear makeup and win a smothering 47-14 victory.

Division 3 powerhouse Mount Union blasted Wilmington in a 59-0 shutout that even made con artist Pete Carroll blush.

Ohio State’s favorite little brother, the Youngstown State Penguins, clamped down and beat the magic underpants off of Southern Utah in a thrilling 23-22 win.

Even our geeky friends at Case Western Reserve University¹ got into the act. The Reservists defeated the even-geekier Carnegie Mellons in a 20-17 overtime victory.

OODD, strong with tradition, celebrates the true heroes of Ohio by giving gameballs to the Indians’ Trot Nixon for smashing the game open against his old teammates, Ohio U’s Kevin McRae and the entire Mount Union defense (Ohio State’s defense, unfortunately, is clearly undeserving of a gameball, having given up 3 unacceptable points).

However, with each gameball there is also a goat. Kent State, located south of Cleveland, was defeated by 39 points – how dare them! They nearly ruined Ohio Obliteration Domination Day, but we cannot allow their loss to get us down. After all, not everyone in Ohio can be perfect… at least not today.

Bowling Green is also a goat, having lost to a superior team. In order to alleviate the embarrassment of this team, Ohio has decided to give northwest Ohio to that state up north, who would gladly accept anything that raises the average from its Detroit-level status.

Times are good in Ohio, and if there’s any doubt in the 2008 Cleveland Prophesy, they will be answered tomorrow with the Cleveland Browns’ masterminded victory over the ailing Miami Dolphins.

Let us rejoice in having a Cleveland Indians team that is without a doubt the best chance this city has had for a championship in quite some time, and a whole cadre of college football teams who not only excel in academics, but also on the gridiron as well. Go Indians, Go #1 Buckeyes!

Update: The Browns won too!

¹ Also known as CWRU, short for ‘Case Women R Ugly’

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10.10.07

Good Luck to Rowler, Trainwreck, and Angela on THE MISSION

Posted in Blogroll at 6:53 pm

A bit over two years ago, my good friend Billy (aka Rowler) went to Costa Rica on a Peace Corps assignment. Earlier this year, I had the pleasure of visiting him, a trip that I still talk about which also yielded five different blog posts I wrote.

Well, it’s finally time to come home, so why not do it in style? Rowler’s girlfriend Angela, their Canadian buddy Trainwreck and some dude named Doug¹ are making THE MISSION - a bus trip through Central America.

The Mission is being documented by each person at themission-sologood.blogspot.com.

Hoping to see great stories of typical travel humiliation and pictures of interesting food and sights, I check the blog daily. And what am I rewarded with? Garbage like this article: Lebron James Puts Damper on The Mission. They are 3500 miles away from home, on this imposing trip, and THIS is the shit I have to read? You’ve got to be kidding me Billy. My comments were left below, and you can see from this article from Honduras that Billy tried and failed to punch back.

While I do look forward to seeing what happens between Billy’s Cleveland Indians (go Tribe!) and Trainwreck’s hated Boston Red Sox, I also hope to see more of Doug’s reviews on the hotels and food, because he is the only hope for any coherent and relevant writing coming from the aforementioned blog.

As far as Angela goes, the staff here at MikeRoberto.com is just hoping that she survives the watered-down-testosterone-filled trip up to LA, where I’ll take the boys out and she can have girl time with Amy.

Despite the inadequate and illogical writing, I plan to continue watching the team’s progress, and wish them the best of luck as they cross back into the good ol’ US of A and hope to party hard with them in LA! Cheers everyone!

THE MISSION

¹I’m already convinced Doug is the the coolest person this trip, by default

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10.08.07

One of the Worst Days in the History of Cleveland Sports

Posted in Sports at 9:06 pm

Today, October 8th, 2007 was probably one the worst days in the history of Cleveland sports. On this fatefully depressing day, Scott PLAYER was released from the Cleveland Browns. Scott was activated by the Browns on September 18, 2007 when punter Dave Zastudil got injured.

Player instantly became the best member of the Browns due to his one-bar facemask, which is now illegal. Player is allowed to wear one, pictured right, due to his being grandfathered in by the rule (he wore it before the NFL created the rule banning them). Player also had the incredible ability to wear a jersey that said Player, a double-entendre in a league now characterized more accurately as the “No Fun League”.

Scott Player will always be remembered by legions of fans not just for his Pro-Bowl punting abilities, but for his resilience towards the vile ownership of the National Football League. Scott Player will punt again, and when he does, we will be there to support him.

*Sigh*… if only something good could happen in Cleveland for once…

Scott is now supported by his wife Julianne and daughters Ava Anne and Margeau Scott. He was born on Dec. 17, 1969 in St. Augustine, FL.

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10.02.07

The Sunset Has Come

Posted in Life, The Universe, and Everything at 6:18 pm

October is a good month to be living in the BeagleJoeBerto Pad. Tourist season is over, it’s football season, and the rotation of the earth has put the sunset right in our path to glory.

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