10.21.07

Guest Writer Galante: The OODD Antipodean

Posted in Guest Writers, HUMILIATIONS at 1:27 pm

While I am not a spiritual person, I sometimes believe in a universal system of karma. After all, when you win, there has to be at least one loser. And when you win big, there has to be a big loser.

So after last weekend’s OODD (Ohio Obliteration Domination Day), it only made sense that there was someone out there on the receiving end of all the punishment that Ohio handed out.

That somebody’s name is Galante. He is a Vanderbilt alum who roots for LSU when he wants to cheer for a real team. A Chicago Bears fan who never lived in Chicago (or even in the Midwest). And one lousy defensive flag football player. This is what he sent after getting his hat handed to him all weekend long. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Galante, the OODD Antipodean, the man who got what he deserved:

Ok so that was perhaps one of the worst football weekends of my life. Anybody that thinks their weekend was even remotely as bad, read the below and then try to talk to me. No, I’m not bitter or anything… (long email to follow - but I bet you will laugh thinking of me that pissed off)

Let’s start off Saturday. LSU (my second team behind Vandy) keeps letting Kentucky back into the game, can’t put them away, the refs sucked [Kentucky's] ass for lack of a better phrase, and the deserved number 1 team in the nation goes down. And don’t anybody give me some crap about how Ohio State is the true number 1 in the land (South Florida is more deserving then they are). The Big Ten is nowhere near the level of the SEC! Why do you think LSU only dropped to number 5?

Then, Vanderbilt has Georgia on the ropes at home for homecoming (yeah, one of these days our athletic leaders will learn to schedule a frickin winnable homecoming game), 17-17, driving late in the 4th quarter. Literally (no joke), right as I call my Vandy alum brother to see if he is watching the game on ESPN2, Vandy runs to the Georgia 7 yd line and fumbles the football with 2 min to go. The end result, surprise surprise, Vandy lets Georgia go right down the field and kick a chip shot FG as time expires to win. Georgia in their classy ways then proceeded to celebrate on the Vandy star and move up in the Top 25 of all things. I’da taken off my mascot helmet and bitch slapped some of those UGA players with it. Needless to say, I hung up the phone on my brother as soon as we fumbled. Besides, he hadn’t answered yet anyway.

Then, that’s right, not done yet, now we go to Sunday, I’m sure Papa Bear George Halas was rolling over in his grave after watching Adrian Peterson basically sexually assault our defense. Yeah, we came back (or should I say Devin Hester did), only for him to kick us in the groin again on the ensuing kickoff return to setup a game winning FG. Somewhere, Courtney (the Viking ex-GF) is laughing at me… And how the hell did I end up in a bar a block from my home that happened to be infested with possibly ALL of the obnoxious Viking and Packer fans living in SoCal. I wish I had a taser at the time (to subdue myself first so I didn’t have to listen to those punks). Oh yeah, Green Bay won too (bite me Favre) and the Patriots took out the Cowboys. Great Sunday (if you’re bent over in a shower in prison!).

Then Sunday wasn’t over. I played a flag football doubleheader with a pulled quad that is nicely colored yellow and purple right now (at least they’re decent team colors) and a bum heel. My team got swept, and I of course got burned twice for TD’s by a lanky, gimpy dude because I couldn’t seem to grab a flag to save my life and because this white boy (yours truly that is) couldn’t jump to knock a ball out of an in stride 6 ft 6 slow white boy. Great weekend indeed… How was everyone else’s weekend?

… thank you Galante! And to answer your final question… it was a lot better than yours! GO INDIANS, else my weekend might be worse than his!

Permalink Comments

09.20.07

Guest Writer - Dan Donatelli: Milk Nipple Envy

Posted in Guest Writers, Life, The Universe, and Everything at 4:57 pm

Hello legion of readers - Today I’m going to hand things over to my friend Dan Donatelli, owner of Gone Fiction and writer of his infamous annual magazine, Green Genes. Please join me in thanking Dan for his insightful prose. I now present his latest piece, Milk Nipple Envy:

Hello Berto’s Bloggerheads! This is Berto-friend Dan Donatelli coming at you today with a Berto-sanctioned guest blog article on everyone’s favorite subjects: nipples and milk!

You see, I was higher than God’s balls the other day, eating box after box of cereal — as is my wont! — and staring at a gallon of milk when I started thinking about women: how they gripe, how they have nipples!

Now, I’m a man. I drive fast; I chew dirt; I wear leather boxers; I use semicolons with approximate accuracy. And, of course, I drink milk straight outta the jug! And like all men, when I generously suckle a sweet sip of the white goodness, I am relentlessly under attack by all of Womankind who remind me time and again that they find my milk-drainage practices boorish, disgusting and devolved.

I just happened to be chuggin’ from the jug when it occurred to me — me being the person who was thinking at the time (please try to keep up) — that maybe women’s unbridled obsession with keeping men from drinking milk straight from the bottle goes beyond civility and manners. I think their revulsion goes all the way down to…
Biological Jealousy.

You’ve heard of Penis Envy? Meet Milk Nipple Envy. (Name subject to change.)

For millions of years, women had a monopoly on the milk racket. Their “jugs” — or as I call them “Lactose Palaces” or “Tits” — had the market cornered, and if men or babies needed a sweet teet treat, they and their precious nipples were the place to go.

Because of that, when they see a pair of human lips puckering up for a delicious swig of ice-cold milk — the dessert of beverages, the ambrosia of bone density — they and their breasts feel useless and old fashioned. They feel vulnerable. They feel unwanted. In short, they feel like women.

And now women have competition everywhere — from cow’s milk to goat’s milk to soy and rice milk. (Imagine that — a grain of rice or splotch of soy with udders!) So what do women do? They do everything they womanly can. They staunchy stop men from enjoying a mighty mouthful of milk by griping away until he pours the milk into a non-threatening, non-nipple-looking cask.

So what’s the moral here? What’s the lesson?

I don’t know.

I suppose it’s just another reason for me to hate women.

Tune in next week, when I will dissect the cultural and pharmacological differences between Nick Nolte and Gary Busey.

Dan’s work, including his latest Comedy Sketches, can be found at GoneFiction.com. Thanks Dan!

Permalink 2 Comments

03.19.07

Guest Writer Brian - Music Review: Dark Tranquillity - Fiction

Posted in Guest Writers, Music Reviews at 9:49 pm

Tonight I’ve decided to post the first of a few different rants from my friend, Brian. We often discuss music and sports via e-mail, along with the usual conversations about Life, The Universe, and Everything.

And now, for Brian’s take on this album:

I’ve tried hard to like it, but it’s the same exact thing as their last 3 cds. I’ve listened to it 3 times in the past week, and nobody home. I’m just not getting it. This band couldn’t write a hook if their lives depended on it. They are the masters of forgettable songs, I can listen to these songs 50 times in a row and not remember anything about them.

They just play it way too safe for me. They really need to mix it up and try and expand on their sound. They are the opposite of a sell out thats for certain. You know exactly what you are going to get with a Dark Tranqullity record. I feel exhausted after listening to them, 60+ minutes of music that I have tried my best to ‘get’ but I just don’t. Maybe Im getting old, but there has to be some hook to a song. Something has to make me want to come back.

For some reason, I really want to like that band. I keep buying their cds, I keep hoping their songs will click, but they just never do. At some point, I have to accept the fact that they are a boring heavy metal band. Nice guys, true to their art, hard working,etc, but at the end of the day, boring. Too much work for me. I shouldn’t have to work to like something when there is music like Blackfield II out that knocks you on your ass from the very first note.

The Gallery, The Minds I, Projector, they all had hooks, all of sudden they released Haven and it was all over, since that cd, every song has sounded exactly the same.

And there you have it. Thanks Brian!

Permalink 2 Comments