Mike Roberto's Blog » HUMILIATIONS

Good Riddance to James Laurinaitis and the 2008 Ohio State Senior Class

Berto — Thu, 08 Jan 2009 08:16:59 +0000

This post is a follow-up to last year’s article, James Laurinaitis: Ohio State’s Most Overrated Linebacker Ever.

This post has three main messages:

The first message is one giant middle finger to every brainwashed, spiral-eyed zombie Ohio State fan who sent me hate mail regarding the aforementioned post. I was right and you were wrong. James Laurinaitis is not only overrated, but he sucked in every big game he played for us, including this week’s Fiesta Bowl disappointment. I may have seen him make about two impact plays since I wrote that, and one of them was during a Michigan State rout.

The Fiesta Bowl was over the second Texas figured that they could simply pass it over the middle a few yards over #33′s head time and time again. He was absolutely lost in coverage, and got schooled by Colt McCoy his thousand-yard passing entourage. I won’t bother posting pictures or videos, someone else can go prove me right. I’m sure whoever does it will find a few good pics where JL is jumping on piles after the whistle and is somehow upside-down too, for good measure. That is, when he’s not standing around like an idiot with his thumb up his ass during passing plays.

My second message is good riddance to the 2008 Ohio State football senior class. You have continually let us down, you never played with ANY heart, and you have diminished the respect of this University (note to spiral-eyed zombie Ohioans – I’ve lived in Texas and CA. We have zero respect and I’m getting sick of defending my degree.)

I should have known there’d be four years of disappointment from these clowns when I saw punter AJ Trapasso starting fights at a local campus bar before he even enrolled into the school. Or when perpetual-disappointment Alex Boone got a DUI and hasn’t made a block since. I’ve never seen an offensive line so out of shape as they were in the second-half of the Fiesta Bowl. I’ll lump Malcolm Jenkins in on the blame too – you all go down together – Jenkins perhaps you should have stepped up as a leader after #33 failed us the first 3 big games?

My third message is that I refuse to enter the Shoe until some major changes are made. I’m not supporting this bullshit. Fire Bollman and every other lopsided Tressel cronie, get an offensive coordinator who knows how to call plays, and find someone who knows what to do with Terrelle Pryor, who is possibly the best player in college football for the next three years unless you continue to waste him. Until then, I’ll fly to Columbus, wear my OSU shirt, hang with friends, and laugh at the morons who pay $800 to watch a truly elite team like USC obliterate us.

I’d rather go 8-4 and show some heart than beat up on the pathetic Big Ten and leave nothing on the table against real teams. Good fucking riddance.

GO BUCKS 2009.

PS – To the thousands of people who found my blog by searching for James Laurinaitis’s girlfriend – GET A LIFE.

Cheers to My Personal Hero, C. Reeve

Berto — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 04:01:57 +0000

Those of you who followed me during the MS150 know how I excited I was on “the hunt”. Immediately after I finished the ride, I pulled my cell phone out of my bag and messaged Eric to see if he finished yet (he had not).

In the process, my ID and the $23 wrapped around it must have slipped out, because it was gone after that. I realized this later, and had to get to the airport early to board the flight and get searched.

So guess what I got in the mail today:

A letter from C. REEVE (let’s call him ‘Christopher’, for the obvious reasons) of Bridges Fairway in Houston:

FOUND THIS DL. ON THE STREETS OF AUSTIN, 4-13-08

with my ID enclosed. How amazing is that?! ‘Christopher’, you’re my new hero! As much as I love this part of California, Texas is the only place where I see such friendly people. Awesome!

So it’s time for a new poll. How do I re-pay Christopher?

Note: There is a poll embedded within this post, please visit the site to participate in this post's poll.

Your comments are appreciated and welcome!

THANKS CHRISTOPHER!

(PS – It’s been far too long for me. We gotta file this one under HUMILIATIONS. Coming soon – my technological review of the tracker app, along with a write-up on the cycling culture I witnessed)

Despite Making it to the Top, We Have Hit Rock Bottom

Berto — Wed, 09 Jan 2008 04:44:20 +0000

I don’t have anything to say that hasn’t been said everywhere else. I just thought I’d etch in stone one of the coolest quotes I’ve ever come up with:

Despite making it to the top, we have hit rock bottom

No related posts.

Results of the OSU 2007 National Championship Cleveland Watch List

Berto — Tue, 08 Jan 2008 06:15:32 +0000

This is a follow-up to this article

I forgot to mention that Jim Tressel is from Cleveland.

Guest Writer Galante: The OODD Antipodean

Berto — Sun, 21 Oct 2007 21:27:02 +0000

While I am not a spiritual person, I sometimes believe in a universal system of karma. After all, when you win, there has to be at least one loser. And when you win big, there has to be a big loser.
So after last weekend’s OODD (Ohio Obliteration Domination Day), it only made sense that there was someone out there on the receiving end of all the punishment that Ohio handed out.
That somebody’s name is Galante. He is a Vanderbilt alum who roots for LSU when he wants to cheer for a real team. A Chicago Bears fan who never lived in Chicago (or even in the Midwest). And one lousy defensive flag football player. This is what he sent after getting his hat handed to him all weekend long. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Galante, the OODD Antipodean, the man who got what he deserved:

Ok so that was perhaps one of the worst football weekends of my life. Anybody that thinks their weekend was even remotely as bad, read the below and then try to talk to me. No, I’m not bitter or anything… (long email to follow – but I bet you will laugh thinking of me that pissed off)

Let’s start off Saturday. LSU (my second team behind Vandy) keeps letting Kentucky back into the game, can’t put them away, the refs sucked [Kentucky's] ass for lack of a better phrase, and the deserved number 1 team in the nation goes down. And don’t anybody give me some crap about how Ohio State is the true number 1 in the land (South Florida is more deserving then they are). The Big Ten is nowhere near the level of the SEC! Why do you think LSU only dropped to number 5?

Then, Vanderbilt has Georgia on the ropes at home for homecoming (yeah, one of these days our athletic leaders will learn to schedule a frickin winnable homecoming game), 17-17, driving late in the 4th quarter. Literally (no joke), right as I call my Vandy alum brother to see if he is watching the game on ESPN2, Vandy runs to the Georgia 7 yd line and fumbles the football with 2 min to go. The end result, surprise surprise, Vandy lets Georgia go right down the field and kick a chip shot FG as time expires to win. Georgia in their classy ways then proceeded to celebrate on the Vandy star and move up in the Top 25 of all things. I’da taken off my mascot helmet and bitch slapped some of those UGA players with it. Needless to say, I hung up the phone on my brother as soon as we fumbled. Besides, he hadn’t answered yet anyway.

Then, that’s right, not done yet, now we go to Sunday, I’m sure Papa Bear George Halas was rolling over in his grave after watching Adrian Peterson basically sexually assault our defense. Yeah, we came back (or should I say Devin Hester did), only for him to kick us in the groin again on the ensuing kickoff return to setup a game winning FG. Somewhere, Courtney (the Viking ex-GF) is laughing at me… And how the hell did I end up in a bar a block from my home that happened to be infested with possibly ALL of the obnoxious Viking and Packer fans living in SoCal. I wish I had a taser at the time (to subdue myself first so I didn’t have to listen to those punks). Oh yeah, Green Bay won too (bite me Favre) and the Patriots took out the Cowboys. Great Sunday (if you’re bent over in a shower in prison!).

Then Sunday wasn’t over. I played a flag football doubleheader with a pulled quad that is nicely colored yellow and purple right now (at least they’re decent team colors) and a bum heel. My team got swept, and I of course got burned twice for TD’s by a lanky, gimpy dude because I couldn’t seem to grab a flag to save my life and because this white boy (yours truly that is) couldn’t jump to knock a ball out of an in stride 6 ft 6 slow white boy. Great weekend indeed… How was everyone else’s weekend?

… thank you Galante! And to answer your final question… it was a lot better than yours! GO INDIANS, else my weekend might be worse than his!

Humiliation: The Latest Craze in Entertainment

Berto — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 03:53:56 +0000

For well over three years, I have been constantly abusing the word “humiliation”. I revel in the minor doses of fame resulting from stories of my getting into and out of pitiful situations. I didn’t know that this would happen, but it now seems as though personal humiliation is an incredible way to get attention in today’s morally-declining American society – which often equates to measures of success.

Take, for instance, the mother of all humiliations in the news recently: Miss Teen USA 2007, South Carolina – Caitlin Upton. It’s been viewed over 14 million times, and I still can’t watch the entire thing:

Ten years ago, this girl’s life would have been over. But not anymore, thanks to the Internet. Tell me, how many of you can actually recognize the winner of Miss Teen USA? I know I couldn’t, but if I saw Caitlin on the street, I’d immediately recognize her. Not only that, but she’s now had major follow-up interviews, and I can guarantee you that magazines like FHM will are trying to get her into sexy photo shoots. The landscape has changed indeed.

Next humiliation: Britney Spears’ return to the big stage in MTV’s Video Music Awards (it’s been removed from YouTube).

There are two ways which Britney could have gotten all of the attention she received:

She knocks everyone’s socks off (not likely), or
She is a trainwreck (very likely).

As expected, Britney bombed in flying colors, yielding more press than a good performance would ever have received. Her constant humiliation has kept her in the spotlight. For someone struggling to keep things alive, no press is bad press.

What hasn’t been removed from YouTube, however, is the defensively embarrassing video “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” from Britney’s #1 fan, Chris Tucker. Nobody heard of this loser until this video was made. Now nearly 5 million people have watched it. In case you haven’t, here it is:

In case you didn’t know, Chris is a male, and is somehow gaining a monstrous fan base. Does anyone see a problem here?

Now let’s take a look at the lighter side of popular-culture humiliation. The Zombie Kid who Likes Turtles:

Ten years ago, 10,000 people in Portland, OR would have seen this on the evening news, said “what in the hell?”, and went to bed, all to forget about it the next day. Now, over a million people have seen Jonathon Ware — he gets recognized everywhere, t-shirts have been made with the “I Like Turtles” slogan, and there is a Washington Post Article summing up the whole experience.

For my last exhibit, my favorite humiliation of all, is “Flaming Shot Goes Terribly Wrong”:

I’ve seen this video over 50 times (more on that in the future), and laugh every time I see it. These guys are true heroes to our generation of idiots, including myself. “Flaaaaaaaaming!”

What’s the point?

My point is this. The Internet is moving towards a self-aggrandizing style of short-lived entertainment fueled by Generation Y-ers’ passion to put themselves in the spotlight at any cost. America has loved humiliation for several years, starting with the television show “COPS” and MTV’s “The Real World”, and then moving towards reality TV and shows like “Jackass”.

Your typical 30+ year old would never want to be shown on the Internet partaking in such self defeatism. They wisely cower at the sight of video cameras, and don’t want to be the center of this Internet-based attention.

Generation Y, however, is embracing that humiliation, and taking it to levels I never imagined. We are, as a young society, increasingly becoming attention-whores.

The rest of us just revel in everyone else’s humiliations because it makes us feel better about our worthless, emotionally-neglected selves, thanks to the lack of proper parenting because we decided to toss a generation of children in extended day care rather than raise them like normal humans just so that everyone could afford a 3,000 square foot house and country club membership.

The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy

Berto — Fri, 15 Jun 2007 07:07:57 +0000

On this fateful, yet somewhat expected night, I have decided to make public something that I have been preaching to close friends for the past couple of years. A prediction so unbelievably earth-shattering that it must be documented immediately, thus leaving out any question of its founding. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy: All three major Cleveland sports teams will win their respective championships within the same year.

If you don’t want to get depressed, skip down to the prophecy section.

We have all seen the disastrous meltdowns that have ripped the hearts from Cleveland sports fans and bashed them to a pulp on the cold, rusted ground. While I was taught by my mother at a very young age that the Curse of Rocky Colavito was the beginning of the longest stretch of humiliation and despair professional sports would ever bring to one city, it actually started before that. Meet the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the team that somehow found a way to go 20-134 — only 84 games behind first place. Over half a century later, during the 1954 World Series, Willie Mays made The Catch, which stunned Cleveland fans during a time of great prosperity.

Despite winning the 1964 NFL Championship, which would be the last glimmer of hope for decades to come, the Curse of Rocky Colavito was finally in full effect. Were I to travel back in time to this point, my only comment would be “it only gets worse from here”. But I’d be wrong, because it only gets a lot worse.

Not a whole lot of winning occurred until Ten Cent Beer Night in 1974, in which the Indians mounted a comeback against the Texas Rangers, yet had to forfeit the game due to the uncontrollable debauchery that typically ensues after spending $2.00 to drink 20 Budweisers. Back to losing we go…

In January of 1981, Red Right 88 put Oakland in the Super Bowl and the Browns in the dumpster.

But then there’s our favorite — The Drive. John Elway’s 98-yard comeback during the 1986 AFC Championship (January 1987) guaranteed us that we were on to something special – losing was in our blood at this point, and it would not be cleaned anytime soon. This day, however, is special to me because it is my first memory as a Cleveland Browns fan. I remember the mayhem that occurred at my neighbors home across the street from us. The women – one trashy next-door-neighbor, in particular – were going absolutely ape-shit. Me and the other 5-year olds who didn’t understand what was going on feared for our lives. What do you do when the people who have been protecting you all your life are no longer in control? Who will protect the protectors? This nuclear meltdown is forever scarred in my memory, and it has helped make me the Cleveland sports fan that I am now.

It only took another year for more of the same. In January of 1988, The Fumble went down, where Bernie Kosar’s four 2nd-half touchdowns would be negated by Earnest Byner’s fumble on the Denver 3-yard-line. 1987 stabbed you in the heart, 1988 twisted the blade.

We weren’t beat down enough, so Michael Jordan decided to join the party. 16 months after The Fumble, MJ nailed The Shot over poor Craig Ehlo, which I’m sure you’ve seen on hundreds of Gatorade commercials.

Next up – Art Modell and Al Lerner tear the soul from the city and move the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore, who of course go on to win the Super Bowl. I will not debate who is at fault for this move, as far as I’m concerned, everyone is, but it goes without saying that 1996-1998 sucked in Cleveland…

…especially on that fateful World Series Game 7 in 1997. Unbelievable.

In between all of these time gaps, every other Cleveland team is losing their asses off. That is, until 2007, when the Cleveland Cavs bring championship basketball back to the Heart of Rock and Roll, but lose to a superior San Antonio Spurs.

So this brings me back to the 2008 Cleveland Prophecy. Things began looking up a few years back – Lebron James on the Cavs. Hafner, Sabathia, and Sizemore on the Indians. Phil Savage to return the Browns back to glory. And slowly, the pieces are truly coming together.

The Cavs need just one or two more skilled players for Lebron to play along with, as well as the hopeful development of Daniel Gibson. GM Danny Ferry has ONE offseason to get it together – the Cavs will have to be the first to win in 2008.

The Indians are on the right track, but relief pitching needs to be addressed. Will owner Larry Dolan open his little checkbook and get someone? If so, 2008 is ours. Hell, we don’t look so bad in 2007!

And then there’s the Browns. The disgrace of modern Cleveland sports. With a great 2007 draft, we are out of excuses. For the first time I can ever remember, we are going to have an offensive line. The defense might actually be good if the offense can get a first down every now and then. And best of all, the NFL has the most parity of any pro sports league. Losers not unlike us can become winners quite quickly in the NFL, and we have 2 seasons to somehow find a way to do it.

It’s not about Lebron versus the San Antonio Spurs, the Indians vs. the Yankees, or even the Browns vs. the Steelers. It’s about Lebron, the Indians, and the Browns vs. the perennial Cleveland Collapse. And in 2008, I prophecize that we will defeat our own demons in one awe-inspiring year of chaos and destruction. And the world will end shortly thereafter.

An Introduction to Guaro – Burning Water in Montezuma

Berto — Wed, 30 May 2007 05:33:25 +0000

It’s always risky fun to drink the locally-made alcoholic products. You don’t go to Germany to order a Miller Lite, and you shouldn’t come to Texas without a disappointingly bland Shiner Bock. And when traveling to Costa Rica, your desired weapon of self-destruction is Guaro.

Gauro is short for Aguardiente, which literally means “burning water”. It is made of fermented sugar cane that is grown, bottled, and distributed in Costa Rica. The dominant brand is Calcique. The drink is popular amongst poor farmers, mainly due to its low cost and slightly better taste than Pine-Sol. The initial smell reminded me of Vodka, but I could have only dreamed for such a smooth, palatable drink.

Cacique Guaro is only 70 proof, but after a few drinks of the substance, you will begin wondering if Costa Ricans understand that “70 proof” means 35% alcohol, not 70%. The day after a Guaro night can only be described as something short of Hell on earth, with mind-splitting headaches that will vaporize your migraine medications. Once you set out to have a Guaro night, you must realize that your next day is completely and miserably screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it but laugh and hope you took more pictures than I did.

Guaro’s dry and sharp flavor dominates any commonly-used mixer that comes in its path, such as cola or orange juice. However, there is hope. Some drinks, such as Fresca or Squirt, will mask the misery of drinking heavy amounts of this toxin. Another good one that Billy and I used was a strong, red energy drink named Maxx.

My first Guaro experience was spectacular. Billy and I were in Montezuma, which is oftentimes titled “Montefuma” by locals and travelers due to its high usage of marijuana. We traveled by ferry, which was quite a nice experience. But there was no time for pot-smoking for me and Billy, we were on a mission to get severely black-out drunk, and do it fast.

After buying the bottle of liquor, which cost roughly US $5 (a somewhat bad sign when buying liquor, no?), along with cups and mixers, we headed down the main street towards the beach. On the way, a worthless bum with long, dirty hair and very few teeth, screams at us, at which Billy replies with one of my favorite quotes from the trip:

Worthless bum: TALK TO ME GUYS!
Me: *Laughs in this guys face and keeps walking*
Billy: FUCKING CALIFORNIANS! They come here on vacation and never fucking leave!

How did we know this turd was from California? I don’t know. You just do. I have been intensely studying these people for the past 5 months, and still can’t put my finger on it. But when I do figure it out, you will be the first to hear about it. Anyway, I digress…

After continuing our rudely-interrupted walk, we made way to the beach, fired up some drinks, and did some bodysurfing with some girls. Two hours later, the bottle was gone, and I was sugar cane drunk. Life was good.

Click on the few pictures in the album and you’ll see how this bottle stripped Billy‘s very soul. The night continued with a ton of beer and the local soccer championships, after which we danced and Billy and I don’t remember making it home. We do, however, remember the bus ride the next day. You could describe it as “torturous”.

Not wanting to keep this experience a secret to the rest of my friends and family in the states, I brought home some Cacique, and it will be involved in another party – my trip back to Austin. Coming soon after we finish up the Costa Rica series!

Update: Feb 14th 2007 Windows Updates Crash explorer.exe Fix

Berto — Thu, 22 Feb 2007 06:54:45 +0000

Warning: This is a HUMILIATION post

I recently reported that I fixed my explorer.exe crashing issue with Windows Updates. I lied.

Uninstalling/reinstalling Windows XP Service Pack 2 worked, but the system returned to fubar mode when it grabbed the Windows updates again.

I embarrassingly cursed upon the realization that I’d have to admit to my readers, who are in legion, that I had made a mistake.

Anyway, one of these Windows Updates was still not installing properly, as mentioned in the previous entry:

I go back into Windows Update and notice that one security update is not installing. This could be part of the problem, but of course MS gives you no useful error message.
— mikeroberto.com technical editor

This ended up being the problem. To fix it:

Download and install Qfecheck from Microsoft. This utility will check to see that all of your Windows Updates are installed properly. I recommend everyone do this.
Get to a command prompt by Start >> Run >> cmd or through the task manager’s file menu >> New Task as described earlier.
Enter cmd to get to the command prompt
Enter qfecheck and hit enter. Does it recommend any hotfixes to be reinstalled? It recommended about 5 of them for me
Google each one of those hotfixes (ie. just search for KB900725) and one of the top links will take you to Microsoft’s download page for it.
Download and install each one, rebooting when it asks, and run qfecheck again.

When all hotfixes are in fact installed properly, your system will run better.

So today we learned three things:

Qfecheck is a nice utility that I had never used before.
I sometimes like to fix things with a drill and a sledgehammer rather than finesse. When it comes to my computer, that’s fine, but if I fix someone else’s, I gotta put the sledgehammer down
I am willing to admit my mistakes and suffer ultimate humiliation for the pleasure and satisfaction of my readers

I Can’t Cry

Berto — Sun, 21 Jan 2007 05:29:49 +0000

It’s been a bit over a month since my LASIK surgery, so I thought I’d share an update.

Unfortunately, the news isn’t that great. The swelling in my left eye went down, so that part’s good.

However, my eyes are not producing tears well, and my tear film is basically awful. This means that my eyes are dry and dirty, which makes the vision blurrier. My left eye (the dominant one) is the worst. The problem is that cutting that flap severs the nerves, so my eyes can’t send the signal to my brain that they need some juice. On an offtopic note, my liver sent messages to my brain for years during college begging for water and alcohol-free liquids, which also went ignored.

The first thing we tried doing was putting temporary plugs in my tear drains on the bottom. This would block 80% of my eyes’ drainage. It didn’t work. I am still going to consider getting some permanent plugs because I’m sure it didn’t hurt.

Next, I was put on a prescription eye drop called Restasis for about two weeks. It is finally slowly starting to kick in, so we’ll see how it goes.

Moving to LA has also not helped the eye situation. This is essentially a desert climate, only near the ocean, so I’ve been dryer than sawdust. For two weeks I’ve been drinking gallons of water, only to remain thirsty and simply pee it right back out. This transition from humid Austin to dry LA has not been pleasant, but I’m slowly adjusting. I guess it’s been dryer here than usual too.

When I do get some tears going (from hot food or watching chick flicks [j/k]), my vision is incredible. But by the end of the day, my eyes are tired and my vision is bad. Especially if I’m drinking even a little, which dehydrates me. I have confidence that when my tears get going, I’ll be happy.

So at this point, I must say that I wish I had not gotten this surgery. Hey, we all make mistakes, and I’m not one to lie to myself. I ask myself, “Were contacts really THAT bad?” And the answer is “no”. I also realized that my eyes got very dry with contacts too, and I should have done something about that earlier on.

Despite being a computer geek, I’m typically a laggard when it comes to toys and gadgets. I think I did the surgery a bit too early in its “technology adoption curve.” I would put LASIK right at the later part of the Visionary segment in this chart, adopted from the fantastic book Crossing the Chasm: Marketing and Selling High-Tech Products to Mainstream Customers. Normally I don’t use products this early because I don’t want to deal with the BS involved (my long-time usage of Linux is obviously a major exception), so why did I jump on this so early? I would say that if you’re more of a laggard like me, wait until they don’t have to cut your flap open and you can be out and 95% recovered within an hour.

So ladies, if you wanna break my heart and shatter it into pieces, please do so now, because for at least a little while longer, I can’t cry!