06.14.07

The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Rants, Sports at 11:07 pm

On this fateful, yet somewhat expected night, I have decided to make public something that I have been preaching to close friends for the past couple of years. A prediction so unbelievably earth-shattering that it must be documented immediately, thus leaving out any question of its founding. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy: All three major Cleveland sports teams will win their respective championships within the same year.

If you don’t want to get depressed, skip down to the prophecy section.

We have all seen the disastrous meltdowns that have ripped the hearts from Cleveland sports fans and bashed them to a pulp on the cold, rusted ground. While I was taught by my mother at a very young age that the Curse of Rocky Colavito was the beginning of the longest stretch of humiliation and despair professional sports would ever bring to one city, it actually started before that. Meet the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the team that somehow found a way to go 20-134 — only 84 games behind first place. Over half a century later, during the 1954 World Series, Willie Mays made The Catch, which stunned Cleveland fans during a time of great prosperity.

Despite winning the 1964 NFL Championship, which would be the last glimmer of hope for decades to come, the Curse of Rocky Colavito was finally in full effect. Were I to travel back in time to this point, my only comment would be “it only gets worse from here”. But I’d be wrong, because it only gets a lot worse.

Not a whole lot of winning occurred until Ten Cent Beer Night in 1974, in which the Indians mounted a comeback against the Texas Rangers, yet had to forfeit the game due to the uncontrollable debauchery that typically ensues after spending $2.00 to drink 20 Budweisers. Back to losing we go…

In January of 1981, Red Right 88 put Oakland in the Super Bowl and the Browns in the dumpster.

But then there’s our favorite — The Drive. John Elway’s 98-yard comeback during the 1986 AFC Championship (January 1987) guaranteed us that we were on to something special – losing was in our blood at this point, and it would not be cleaned anytime soon. This day, however, is special to me because it is my first memory as a Cleveland Browns fan. I remember the mayhem that occurred at my neighbors home across the street from us. The women – one trashy next-door-neighbor, in particular – were going absolutely ape-shit. Me and the other 5-year olds who didn’t understand what was going on feared for our lives. What do you do when the people who have been protecting you all your life are no longer in control? Who will protect the protectors? This nuclear meltdown is forever scarred in my memory, and it has helped make me the Cleveland sports fan that I am now.

It only took another year for more of the same. In January of 1988, The Fumble went down, where Bernie Kosar’s four 2nd-half touchdowns would be negated by Earnest Byner’s fumble on the Denver 3-yard-line. 1987 stabbed you in the heart, 1988 twisted the blade.

We weren’t beat down enough, so Michael Jordan decided to join the party. 16 months after The Fumble, MJ nailed The Shot over poor Craig Ehlo, which I’m sure you’ve seen on hundreds of Gatorade commercials.

Next up – Art Modell and Al Lerner tear the soul from the city and move the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore, who of course go on to win the Super Bowl. I will not debate who is at fault for this move, as far as I’m concerned, everyone is, but it goes without saying that 1996-1998 sucked in Cleveland…

…especially on that fateful World Series Game 7 in 1997. Unbelievable.

In between all of these time gaps, every other Cleveland team is losing their asses off. That is, until 2007, when the Cleveland Cavs bring championship basketball back to the Heart of Rock and Roll, but lose to a superior San Antonio Spurs.

So this brings me back to the 2008 Cleveland Prophecy. Things began looking up a few years back – Lebron James on the Cavs. Hafner, Sabathia, and Sizemore on the Indians. Phil Savage to return the Browns back to glory. And slowly, the pieces are truly coming together.

The Cavs need just one or two more skilled players for Lebron to play along with, as well as the hopeful development of Daniel Gibson. GM Danny Ferry has ONE offseason to get it together – the Cavs will have to be the first to win in 2008.

The Indians are on the right track, but relief pitching needs to be addressed. Will owner Larry Dolan open his little checkbook and get someone? If so, 2008 is ours. Hell, we don’t look so bad in 2007!

And then there’s the Browns. The disgrace of modern Cleveland sports. With a great 2007 draft, we are out of excuses. For the first time I can ever remember, we are going to have an offensive line. The defense might actually be good if the offense can get a first down every now and then. And best of all, the NFL has the most parity of any pro sports league. Losers not unlike us can become winners quite quickly in the NFL, and we have 2 seasons to somehow find a way to do it.

It’s not about Lebron versus the San Antonio Spurs, the Indians vs. the Yankees, or even the Browns vs. the Steelers. It’s about Lebron, the Indians, and the Browns vs. the perennial Cleveland Collapse. And in 2008, I prophecize that we will defeat our own demons in one awe-inspiring year of chaos and destruction. And the world will end shortly thereafter.

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05.29.07

An Introduction to Guaro - Burning Water in Montezuma

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Travels at 9:33 pm

It’s always risky fun to drink the locally-made alcoholic products. You don’t go to Germany to order a Miller Lite, and you shouldn’t come to Texas without a disappointingly bland Shiner Bock. And when traveling to Costa Rica, your desired weapon of self-destruction is Guaro.

Gauro is short for Aguardiente, which literally means “burning water”. It is made of fermented sugar cane that is grown, bottled, and distributed in Costa Rica. The dominant brand is Calcique. The drink is popular amongst poor farmers, mainly due to its low cost and slightly better taste than Pine-Sol. The initial smell reminded me of Vodka, but I could have only dreamed for such a smooth, palatable drink.

Cacique Guaro is only 70 proof, but after a few drinks of the substance, you will begin wondering if Costa Ricans understand that “70 proof” means 35% alcohol, not 70%. The day after a Guaro night can only be described as something short of Hell on earth, with mind-splitting headaches that will vaporize your migraine medications. Once you set out to have a Guaro night, you must realize that your next day is completely and miserably screwed, and there is nothing you can do about it but laugh and hope you took more pictures than I did.

Guaro’s dry and sharp flavor dominates any commonly-used mixer that comes in its path, such as cola or orange juice. However, there is hope. Some drinks, such as Fresca or Squirt, will mask the misery of drinking heavy amounts of this toxin. Another good one that Billy and I used was a strong, red energy drink named Maxx.

My first Guaro experience was spectacular. Billy and I were in Montezuma, which is oftentimes titled “Montefuma” by locals and travelers due to its high usage of marijuana. We traveled by ferry, which was quite a nice experience. But there was no time for pot-smoking for me and Billy, we were on a mission to get severely black-out drunk, and do it fast.

After buying the bottle of liquor, which cost roughly US $5 (a somewhat bad sign when buying liquor, no?), along with cups and mixers, we headed down the main street towards the beach. On the way, a worthless bum with long, dirty hair and very few teeth, screams at us, at which Billy replies with one of my favorite quotes from the trip:

Worthless bum: TALK TO ME GUYS!
Me: *Laughs in this guys face and keeps walking*
Billy: FUCKING CALIFORNIANS! They come here on vacation and never fucking leave!

How did we know this turd was from California? I don’t know. You just do. I have been intensely studying these people for the past 5 months, and still can’t put my finger on it. But when I do figure it out, you will be the first to hear about it. Anyway, I digress…

After continuing our rudely-interrupted walk, we made way to the beach, fired up some drinks, and did some bodysurfing with some girls. Two hours later, the bottle was gone, and I was sugar cane drunk. Life was good.

Click on the few pictures in the album and you’ll see how this bottle stripped Billy’s very soul. The night continued with a ton of beer and the local soccer championships, after which we danced and Billy and I don’t remember making it home. We do, however, remember the bus ride the next day. You could describe it as “torturous”.

Not wanting to keep this experience a secret to the rest of my friends and family in the states, I brought home some Cacique, and it will be involved in another party - my trip back to Austin. Coming soon after we finish up the Costa Rica series!

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02.21.07

Update: Feb 14th 2007 Windows Updates Crash explorer.exe Fix

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Technology at 10:54 pm

Warning: This is a HUMILIATION post

I recently reported that I fixed my explorer.exe crashing issue with Windows Updates. I lied.

Uninstalling/reinstalling Windows XP Service Pack 2 worked, but the system returned to fubar mode when it grabbed the Windows updates again.

I embarrassingly cursed upon the realization that I’d have to admit to my readers, who are in legion, that I had made a mistake.

Anyway, one of these Windows Updates was still not installing properly, as mentioned in the previous entry:

I go back into Windows Update and notice that one security update is not installing. This could be part of the problem, but of course MS gives you no useful error message.
— mikeroberto.com technical editor

This ended up being the problem. To fix it:

1. Download and install Qfecheck from Microsoft. This utility will check to see that all of your Windows Updates are installed properly. I recommend everyone do this.
2. Get to a command prompt by Start >> Run >> cmd or through the task manager’s file menu >> New Task as described earlier.
3. Enter cmd to get to the command prompt
4. Enter qfecheck and hit enter. Does it recommend any hotfixes to be reinstalled? It recommended about 5 of them for me
5. Google each one of those hotfixes (ie. just search for KB900725) and one of the top links will take you to Microsoft’s download page for it.
6. Download and install each one, rebooting when it asks, and run qfecheck again.

When all hotfixes are in fact installed properly, your system will run better.

So today we learned three things:

1. Qfecheck is a nice utility that I had never used before.
2. I sometimes like to fix things with a drill and a sledgehammer rather than finesse. When it comes to my computer, that’s fine, but if I fix someone else’s, I gotta put the sledgehammer down
3. I am willing to admit my mistakes and suffer ultimate humiliation for the pleasure and satisfaction of my readers

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01.20.07

I Can’t Cry

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Life, The Universe, and Everything at 9:29 pm

It’s been a bit over a month since my LASIK surgery, so I thought I’d share an update.

Unfortunately, the news isn’t that great. The swelling in my left eye went down, so that part’s good.

However, my eyes are not producing tears well, and my tear film is basically awful. This means that my eyes are dry and dirty, which makes the vision blurrier. My left eye (the dominant one) is the worst. The problem is that cutting that flap severs the nerves, so my eyes can’t send the signal to my brain that they need some juice. On an offtopic note, my liver sent messages to my brain for years during college begging for water and alcohol-free liquids, which also went ignored.

The first thing we tried doing was putting temporary plugs in my tear drains on the bottom. This would block 80% of my eyes’ drainage. It didn’t work. I am still going to consider getting some permanent plugs because I’m sure it didn’t hurt.

Next, I was put on a prescription eye drop called Restasis for about two weeks. It is finally slowly starting to kick in, so we’ll see how it goes.

Moving to LA has also not helped the eye situation. This is essentially a desert climate, only near the ocean, so I’ve been dryer than sawdust. For two weeks I’ve been drinking gallons of water, only to remain thirsty and simply pee it right back out. This transition from humid Austin to dry LA has not been pleasant, but I’m slowly adjusting. I guess it’s been dryer here than usual too.

When I do get some tears going (from hot food or watching chick flicks [j/k]), my vision is incredible. But by the end of the day, my eyes are tired and my vision is bad. Especially if I’m drinking even a little, which dehydrates me. I have confidence that when my tears get going, I’ll be happy.

So at this point, I must say that I wish I had not gotten this surgery. Hey, we all make mistakes, and I’m not one to lie to myself. I ask myself, “Were contacts really THAT bad?” And the answer is “no”. I also realized that my eyes got very dry with contacts too, and I should have done something about that earlier on.

Despite being a computer geek, I’m typically a laggard when it comes to toys and gadgets. I think I did the surgery a bit too early in its “technology adoption curve.” I would put LASIK right at the later part of the Visionary segment in this chart, adopted from the fantastic book Crossing the Chasm: Marketing and Selling High-Tech Products to Mainstream Customers. Normally I don’t use products this early because I don’t want to deal with the BS involved (my long-time usage of Linux is obviously a major exception), so why did I jump on this so early? I would say that if you’re more of a laggard like me, wait until they don’t have to cut your flap open and you can be out and 95% recovered within an hour.

So ladies, if you wanna break my heart and shatter it into pieces, please do so now, because for at least a little while longer, I can’t cry!

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01.10.07

HUMILIATION

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Travels at 11:20 pm

On Sunday, my friend Joe and I drove from LA to Phoenix, for the National Championship. After dropping Joe off, I picked up Jeremy and Allison at the airport. Kirby came a couple of hours later, and it was great seeing everyone.

Our late-weekend beatdown began quite quickly as we tried to go out in Glendale, only to get turned around due to the bars closing at midnight. All of the good events were far off in Scottsdale, so we just turned in and drank at the hotel and caught up.

Gameday was fun, despite being on a Monday. We went to a tailgate quickly, and saw that the ticket market was unreasonably expensive ($1300 for a ticket? No thanks..) so Jer and I gave up that idea real quickly and decided to get sloshed all day long. We succeeded.

We arrived at the big party in their shopping center, and began the Budweiser onslaught. Good times were had, it was a bit too loud and a bit too crowded. Allison headed out to get her Florida student ticket, but we kept drinking.

It was my first time seeing Josh and Gina for a long time, so it was great partying with them. We also bumped into Kate, Marisa, D. Smith, Silverman, and lil Steph, which was cool.

The game was as horrible for me as it was for you. It’s almost funny how unprepared and humiliated Tressel had this team. I don’t need to write any more about it… every one else has said it all.

After that, we were pretty chill, had some more drinks, and now I’m in the car with Joe on the way back home.

All props to Florida’s team and Urban Meyer. But I gotta tell you, Florida fans have to be the lamest bunch of ducks I’ve ever seen. I’m glad there weren’t any problems though, it seems that things were rather peaceful. Now this isn’t sour grapes, I give their team respect, but the lameness was just unbelievable:

The Florida cheers are retarded. “Orange!… Blue!…. Orange!… Blue!”. Real creative — and that is one of the better ones. That Florida chomp looks ridiculous. The clothing, the hairstyles, the constant references to gator bait. You have got to be kidding me. I know I’m not the most stylish person (nor is Ohio State in general.. we have plenty of issues too) but please shoot a hole in my head if you ever see me wearing a pair of khakis that have little team logos embroidered all over them. Or if I grow Donald Trump hair, which I saw on at least 3 guys. Or if I pop my collar. Are you people serious?

Anyway, it was a fun weekend, but could have obviously been better. Good seeing everyone, we’ll need to figure out what games in 07 we’ll get together for! I’ll have pics up later.

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