01.08.09

Good Riddance to James Laurinaitis and the 2008 Ohio State Senior Class

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Rants, Sports at 12:16 am

This post is a follow-up to last year’s article, James Laurinaitis: Ohio State’s Most Overrated Linebacker Ever.

This post has three main messages:

The first message is one giant middle finger to every brainwashed, spiral-eyed zombie Ohio State fan who sent me hate mail regarding the aforementioned post. I was right and you were wrong. James Laurinaitis is not only overrated, but he sucked in every big game he played for us, including this week’s Fiesta Bowl disappointment. I may have seen him make about two impact plays since I wrote that, and one of them was during a Michigan State rout.

The Fiesta Bowl was over the second Texas figured that they could simply pass it over the middle a few yards over #33’s head time and time again. He was absolutely lost in coverage, and got schooled by Colt McCoy his thousand-yard passing entourage. I won’t bother posting pictures or videos, someone else can go prove me right. I’m sure whoever does it will find a few good pics where JL is jumping on piles after the whistle and is somehow upside-down too, for good measure. That is, when he’s not standing around like an idiot with his thumb up his ass during passing plays.

My second message is good riddance to the 2008 Ohio State football senior class. You have continually let us down, you never played with ANY heart, and you have diminished the respect of this University (note to spiral-eyed zombie Ohioans – I’ve lived in Texas and CA. We have zero respect and I’m getting sick of defending my degree.)

I should have known there’d be four years of disappointment from these clowns when I saw punter AJ Trapasso starting fights at a local campus bar before he even enrolled into the school. Or when perpetual-disappointment Alex Boone got a DUI and hasn’t made a block since. I’ve never seen an offensive line so out of shape as they were in the second-half of the Fiesta Bowl. I’ll lump Malcolm Jenkins in on the blame too – you all go down together – Jenkins perhaps you should have stepped up as a leader after #33 failed us the first 3 big games?

My third message is that I refuse to enter the Shoe until some major changes are made. I’m not supporting this bullshit. Fire Bollman and every other lopsided Tressel cronie, get an offensive coordinator who knows how to call plays, and find someone who knows what to do with Terrelle Pryor, who is possibly the best player in college football for the next three years unless you continue to waste him. Until then, I’ll fly to Columbus, wear my OSU shirt, hang with friends, and laugh at the morons who pay $800 to watch a truly elite team like USC obliterate us.

I’d rather go 8-4 and show some heart than beat up on the pathetic Big Ten and leave nothing on the table against real teams. Good fucking riddance.

GO BUCKS 2009.

PS – To the thousands of people who found my blog by searching for James Laurinaitis’s girlfriend – GET A LIFE.

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09.11.08

Fellow Buckeyes – So You Wanna Visit LA?

Posted in Life, The Universe, and Everything, Rants, Sports at 10:16 pm

Two years ago, I wrote the first-ever post on mikeroberto.com: Fellow Buckeyes – So You Wanna Visit Austin?. This posting was passed around many discussion forums and groups of people, and has yielded 6,370 hits over the course of time. The average person stays for 6 minutes, and 20% of visitors go on to read something else on my blog.

I loved Austin and wanted to share my joy (and contempt) for the city. I received a lot of good and bad press due to my comments. I learned that when writing, you are putting yourself out there — you need to be thick-skinned and stick to your guns.

Since then, I moved to Hermosa Beach in the South Bay area of Los Angeles to start a new life chapter. I can honestly say that with the possible exception of the 2002 football season or the entire 2004 school year at Ohio State, I’ve never been a happier person. I love life, I love where I live, and I love what I do on a daily basis.

The thing is, I no longer have anything to prove to you. I don’t care if you have a good or bad time in LA. I don’t care if you go to Hollywood when you really should be checking out the South Bay and parts of Orange County.

So many people in the Midwest have never visited LA (or CA for that matter), but still had to share their opinions that I shouldn’t come here. They think it’s a horrible place because “they’ve heard”. They heard there were too many mean people. Rude drivers. High crime, gays, drug abusers, etc.

Rather than listen to the uninformed, sheltered Midwestern masses, I came and experienced. It took me three weekends, but I found the spot in this big city where I could get along. Sure there are bad elements – it is a big city after all – but that’s why you shop around.

So I am not going to write a guide on what to do here. There are plenty of places to find that out, such as yelp.com or the OSU and USC message boards.

Instead, I’m going to tell you a bit about the South Bay, the area where I live in LA.

That first year in LA is rough — if you don’t approach it right, it will eat you alive. If you don’t get active in some sort of productive scene, you will perish. If you are a slug and don’t latch onto the energy, you will get kicked to the curb and turn into a nobody.

For me, the scene that brought me into this fold of energy and activity was beach volleyball. It is definitely the best way to meet normal people out here. It has given LA such a small-town feel for me. You can’t just go out to bars here and expect to meet quality people.

I don’t know why, but when I moved here, I didn’t expect there to be so much partying. Instead, I learned that down here, nobody grows up. There are 35 year olds partying harder than I did as a 25 year old. Nobody gets married. Everyone is dating 4 other people. There is always something going on. Everyone is beautiful and in good shape. It is an adult playground. IT IS COMPETITIVE.

This competition is scary, but don’t let it scare you off. You must step up your game here, in all aspects of the word. You must adapt to the energy. For me, it brought my fight and drive back. It has brought my social skills to new levels.

Californians are a different breed. I still don’t understand them, but let me tell you, they love to talk. At first, I thought they were trying to get something out of me, but then I learned to relax — all they want is a nice Midwestern ear to fill. When everyone talks and is hopped up on 8 cups of coffee, they will fall in love with a listener.

Despite the ridiculous amounts of stimulant-enriched energetic people here, they’re still super laid back. I love it, it’s the best of both worlds.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE ARE NICE.

In my Austin post, I talked about how dumb some Texans were. While true, let me tell you, I had no clue what I was in for in LA. What’s ridiculous is the diversity here – you might be walking down the street with one guy next to you who has got to be the biggest idiot on the planet, and on your other side is literally a brilliant rocket scientist. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. There is no range like this anywhere else.

Everyone in LA is a goddamned real estate expert.

The way I see it, there are only two reasons to move to LA:
1. To be by the ocean
2. To get into “the industry”

I personally see no point to living in the Inland Empire, especially if renting. I also see no reason how people live by the beach/ocean but never use them.

The traffic is awful. I stay off the highways and schedule my life around it. I don’t see how people sit in traffic every day like lemmings. Is this really what we want to be doing with our lives?

Rude drivers? I don’t know, I haven’t really seen it. I’ve never had a time when people would not let me into a lane. I’m rarely cut off by a madman on the loose. Sure, if you sit at the intersection playing on your stupid phone, you will get honked at quicker than in Texas. But there’s a lot of cars out here and we need you moving your ass on green. I have no problem honking when people deserve it, but it doesn’t happen as much as I would have thought.

The highways. It’s not Route 405, or 405. It’s THE 405. Almost like it’s THE Ohio State University, except you say “thuh” and not “thee”. The best explanation I’ve heard for having “The” in front of all of the highways is that each highway has its own very unique personality and thus becomes a proper noun. I personally love it.

I’m not into most LA clothing style. I hate the black print shirts, I hate straight brimmed hats, I hate plaid shorts, I hate high black socks, I hate sagging, and I hate that stupid ass piece of facial hair under your lower lip.

Most of the styles mentioned above are what all the “bros” wear. Unless you are one of my best friends out here, I am NOT your “bro”. I am a dude, or a man.

The heavy metal shows out here are weak as balls.

I have caught myself saying “gnarly”. I plan on keeping this one, just like I occasionally bust out a “y’all” still.

Californians like to say “no worries”. I rarely catch myself saying it, I’m just a “no problem” kind of guy.

I don’t know a damned thing about Hollywood. Don’t ask me about it, and don’t expect me to take you there when you visit, because I don’t go there unless I have a concert to attend. It’s out of my “bubble”, or my small LA geographical area of interest. It’s a pain to get there and it’s not my scene. I’m sure a Buckeye in Hollywood could write an equally interesting rant with a completely different theme… but I prefer to stay by the beach and play with dolphins.

I am falling in love with the Pacific Ocean. Sometimes she lets me ride on her shoulder, other times she beats the piss out of me. It will be tough to leave her — and I’m not sure if I ever will — I don’t make plans like that anymore. No plans.

Californians seem to drink more soda than pop. Unlike other Buckeyes, I don’t fight for “pop”. I just order a Diet Coke — why bother with vagaries?

Girls who’ve lived out here all their life hate the “transplants”, especially other girls. Those are the girls who give LA a bad name. They come out here and try to become something they’re not. They begin to FLAKE.

… and “flaking” is a big problem out here. You can make plans with some people, and have no clue who will really show up. I tend to quickly remove flakes from my life, so it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. Two or three flakes and you’re a goner. I have too many other girls chasing me to care.

Yes, the girls do chase out here. Maybe my game is just that much better, but I don’t think that’s all. If you are a girl and you don’t chase, your mating prospects will be harder. But don’t chase too hard, because that’s a turn-off too. The tables have certainly turned.

Everyone loves the environment. I now recycle like a fiend and love it. I swim in that ocean, put your garbage somewhere else.

If you’re tight on time, don’t get a Californian hybrid owner talking about their hybrid. You might still be there through sunrise.

Despite the enormous Aerospace industry out here, don’t bother talking politics if you’re a neocon. You won’t like what you find. Liberals and third-parties can get along just fine.

Gas is expensive. But not as expensive as Europe, so quit bitching. GM is really regretting killing the EV1 though. Don’t mention that to the guys in Torrance who developed the drive train for it though.

Tattoos run rampant. Especially the full-arm sleeve ones. Kind of scary, but kind of cool too. Don’t expect to see me with one anytime soon though.

If I can’t wear flip flops and a T-shirt (preferably my new Iron Maiden one), I’m not coming.

Sand is EVERYWHERE. I can’t get it out of my bed. I flew home to Cleveland and it ended up in my bed there too – I think I transported it with my ears and belly button. After enough volleyball, you eventually just give up and get used to rolling around in sand.

Sushi is on every corner. Everyone has their own favorite hole-in-the-wall Sushi spot that they love and everyone else hates. Those are fun.

Unlike Texas, good pizza CAN be found out here. It’s still difficult though.

Nobody seems to care about Arnold anymore.

Lastly,

Ohio State – 21
USC – 20

Ohio State goes undefeated, and loses the BCS National Championship to Georgia.

Have fun!

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07.20.08

The Great Unamerican Beer

Posted in Politics, Rants at 10:27 am

This past Friday, I was asked to buy some beer for a party. On my way to the grocery store, I deposited my Stimulus Check, then used some of that to buy a case of Bud Light. A few hours later, I realized that this seemingly normal sequence of events was an ironic microcosm for the economic disaster that this country faces, and I was part of the problem.

Over the past decade, our government has engaged in a series of actions that have resulted in the devaluation of the US Dollar. From
artificially low interest rates to printing up “free money” and distributing it as “stimulus checks”, our dollar has become more and more worthless on the global market. Just like its dim-witted citizenry, this country spends more money than it makes. What makes the government different than its citizens is that the government doesn’t go bankrupt — the money just becomes increasingly useless.

As a result of this, the prices of imported goods (oil, anybody?) have skyrocketed, and our country is quietly being bought out by the Europeans.

That case of Bud Light, which is produced by now European-owned Anheuser-Busch, was direct support for the collapse of the dollar and those who are profiting off of it. Cashing that check devalued the dollar, and the devaluation of the dollar is partially responsible for the sale of AB to InBev. Regardless of which came first, the downward spiral we are traveling upon will be difficult to derail unless we make changes now.

My first change? I’m done buying foreign-owned beer that tries to pass off as “Great American Beer” for my cheap beer selection.

Let’s take a look at the currently popular beer purchases:

• Anheuser-Busch products? Nope, soon-to-be owned by InBev, a bunch of Europeans.
• How about that nice Pete Coors guy and his Coors Light? Oops, Molson owns them up in Canada. Tap the Rockies (and give the profits to Canadians) indeed.
• Well, there’s always that dreaded Miller filthwater, right? Wrong. Owned by SABMiller, which stands for South African Breweries – Miller.

That covers about 90% of what you’ll find on the shelves. Now this is where things get really sad: The largest American-owned beer company is now Pabst. What Pabst doesn’t want you to know is that they don’t even brew beer (and clearly don’t know how) – that’s done by our foreign foes in MillerCoors.

So what American actually brews the damn stuff in America? The Boston Beer Company (Sam Adams).

This means that the next time I’m asked to buy some light beer for a party, here are my choices:

1. Sam Adams Light – At 124 calories, hardly a light beer,
   but I do like it.
2. Yuengling – Great stuff, but I’ve never seen it in California.
3. Iron City Brewing – I.C. Light is probably the closest thing to a “Great American Light” beer you’ll find. Unfortunately, it’s brewed in Pittsburgh, and those of you who know me know that I won’t touch it. My devotion to the Cleveland Browns is above even beer
4. Shiner (Spoetzel Brewery) – I absolutely love this stuff, and will drink it on my upcoming trip to Austin, but I’ve never seen a Shiner Light out here. Shiner Bock will do for now.

At this point, I give up. It’s even worse when I realize that I’d like cans so that I can bring them to the beach. Perhaps it is time I stop buying a “Great American” light beer, and move on to the other delicious brews we have and make my friends deal with it.

The time is ripe for an American to step it up, make the next popular light beer, and distribute/market it like mad. While you’re at it, get the NASCAR crowd up in arms. Pabst could step up to the table, but they need to start brewing their own beer again before I jump onto that bandwagon. Until then, I’m drinking Shiner and Fat Tire.

And as a footnote, how did Friday’s party go? Well, during a wild drinking game, my friend accidentally swallowed a quarter, and couldn’t get it back up. What’s really miserable is that by the time he ‘passes’ it, it will probably be worth about half as much.

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04.26.08

Regarding This Week’s Shark Attack in San Diego

Posted in Fitness, Life, The Universe, and Everything, Rants at 8:49 am

Before I begin, I’d like to send my condolences out to the family of Dr. David Martin, who was killed by a great white shark in Solana Beach earlier this week.

I’ve recently received a good number of concerned messages after Dr. Martin’s death, since I’ve been swimming and surfing a lot lately. While I appreciate your concern, I am here to publicly state that I am not going to stop swimming or surfing due to fear of sharks.

I understand the risks I take every time I don a black wetsuit and get into the ocean. The natural marine life, whilst normally shark-free, is part of the fun, adrenaline-pumping process of becoming one with mother nature and her brutal, often unforgiving power.

Let’s be clear about it – When you enter the ocean, you become part of the food chain. And for the first time in your city-dwelling life, you are no longer on top of that chain.

And for that very reason, I don’t think it’s necessary that we hunt the shark that killed Dr. Martin. It was hungry and mistook him for a seal. Deal with it – sharks own the ocean, not us.

If I am killed by a shark while in the ocean, just know that I died while doing something I loved, I was happy as hell, and that I knew the risks that accompanied this endeavor. I will exercise all caution, and leave the water when I feel unsafe (surfers often get a sixth sense when the water feels eerily “sharky”).

If you don’t like it, go ride a bicycle.
See you in the water!

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01.22.08

Fed Cuts Interest Rate to 0% In Emergency Effort

Posted in Investing, Rants at 6:46 pm

August 5, 2008 — The Federal Reserve cut the benchmark interest rate by 1.5% to a new target lending rate of 0% yesterday, the Federal Open Market Committee said in a statement in Washington. It’s the largest reduction since the Fed began using the rate as primary tool of fiscal policy around 1990.

“Broader financial market conditions have continued to deteriorate and credit has tightened further for some businesses and households,” the Fed said in a statement in Washington. The FOMC took the action “in view of a weakening of the economic outlook and increasing downside risks to growth.”

The Fed continued, “After a long review of our inflationary data, the determination has been made that inflation does not exist.” When asked about $5.00/gallon gasoline and skyrocketing rental costs, the Fed declined comment, merely stating that energy costs are not part of inflation data.

John Thompson, Senior Staff Analyst at RBB Associates, believes that this will solve the country’s economic woes. “Interest rates are a thing of the past. We no longer believe that they are necessary, since we can print as many greenbacks as needed to pay for our luxaries, Mexican labor, and cluster bombs. As long as the government continues to spend this money, it will exchange hands and wealth will be generated an infinite amount.”

When asked about the Euro reaching an all-time high of 1 Euro to 8 US Dollars, Thompson remarked that “European central banking will soon follow suit to eliminate interest rates and order will be restored. Clearly they will want to keep pace with the most powerful economy in the world.”

Despite panic among treasury traders, the Dow Jones closed up at 12,753.53 points. Most impressive gains were in the services sector, which were up 3.4%, despite data showing that nobody has had work for 4 months.

John McCain, former Republican Presidential Candidate and Congressman, was overheard saying “0% interest rates should get us through this election, at which point Mitt Romney will win the Presidency and we can continue to do the Federal Reserve’s biddings. The draft won’t be far off, and we’ll no longer have to worry about economics ever again”

A representative of the middle class was sought for comment, but none could be found.

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