07.20.08

The Great Unamerican Beer

Posted in Politics, Rants at 10:27 am

This past Friday, I was asked to buy some beer for a party. On my way to the grocery store, I deposited my Stimulus Check, then used some of that to buy a case of Bud Light. A few hours later, I realized that this seemingly normal sequence of events was an ironic microcosm for the economic disaster that this country faces, and I was part of the problem.

Over the past decade, our government has engaged in a series of actions that have resulted in the devaluation of the US Dollar. From
artificially low interest rates to printing up “free money” and distributing it as “stimulus checks”, our dollar has become more and more worthless on the global market. Just like its dim-witted citizenry, this country spends more money than it makes. What makes the government different than its citizens is that the government doesn’t go bankrupt — the money just becomes increasingly useless.

As a result of this, the prices of imported goods (oil, anybody?) have skyrocketed, and our country is quietly being bought out by the Europeans.

That case of Bud Light, which is produced by now European-owned Anheuser-Busch, was direct support for the collapse of the dollar and those who are profiting off of it. Cashing that check devalued the dollar, and the devaluation of the dollar is partially responsible for the sale of AB to InBev. Regardless of which came first, the downward spiral we are traveling upon will be difficult to derail unless we make changes now.

My first change? I’m done buying foreign-owned beer that tries to pass off as “Great American Beer” for my cheap beer selection.

Let’s take a look at the currently popular beer purchases:

• Anheuser-Busch products? Nope, soon-to-be owned by InBev, a bunch of Europeans.
• How about that nice Pete Coors guy and his Coors Light? Oops, Molson owns them up in Canada. Tap the Rockies (and give the profits to Canadians) indeed.
• Well, there’s always that dreaded Miller filthwater, right? Wrong. Owned by SABMiller, which stands for South African Breweries – Miller.

That covers about 90% of what you’ll find on the shelves. Now this is where things get really sad: The largest American-owned beer company is now Pabst. What Pabst doesn’t want you to know is that they don’t even brew beer (and clearly don’t know how) – that’s done by our foreign foes in MillerCoors.

So what American actually brews the damn stuff in America? The Boston Beer Company (Sam Adams).

This means that the next time I’m asked to buy some light beer for a party, here are my choices:

1. Sam Adams Light - At 124 calories, hardly a light beer,
   but I do like it.
2. Yuengling - Great stuff, but I’ve never seen it in California.
3. Iron City Brewing - I.C. Light is probably the closest thing to a “Great American Light” beer you’ll find. Unfortunately, it’s brewed in Pittsburgh, and those of you who know me know that I won’t touch it. My devotion to the Cleveland Browns is above even beer
4. Shiner (Spoetzel Brewery) - I absolutely love this stuff, and will drink it on my upcoming trip to Austin, but I’ve never seen a Shiner Light out here. Shiner Bock will do for now.

At this point, I give up. It’s even worse when I realize that I’d like cans so that I can bring them to the beach. Perhaps it is time I stop buying a “Great American” light beer, and move on to the other delicious brews we have and make my friends deal with it.

The time is ripe for an American to step it up, make the next popular light beer, and distribute/market it like mad. While you’re at it, get the NASCAR crowd up in arms. Pabst could step up to the table, but they need to start brewing their own beer again before I jump onto that bandwagon. Until then, I’m drinking Shiner and Fat Tire.

And as a footnote, how did Friday’s party go? Well, during a wild drinking game, my friend accidentally swallowed a quarter, and couldn’t get it back up. What’s really miserable is that by the time he ‘passes’ it, it will probably be worth about half as much.

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04.26.08

Regarding This Week’s Shark Attack in San Diego

Posted in Fitness, Life, The Universe, and Everything, Rants at 8:49 am

Before I begin, I’d like to send my condolences out to the family of Dr. David Martin, who was killed by a great white shark in Solana Beach earlier this week.

I’ve recently received a good number of concerned messages after Dr. Martin’s death, since I’ve been swimming and surfing a lot lately. While I appreciate your concern, I am here to publicly state that I am not going to stop swimming or surfing due to fear of sharks.

I understand the risks I take every time I don a black wetsuit and get into the ocean. The natural marine life, whilst normally shark-free, is part of the fun, adrenaline-pumping process of becoming one with mother nature and her brutal, often unforgiving power.

Let’s be clear about it - When you enter the ocean, you become part of the food chain. And for the first time in your city-dwelling life, you are no longer on top of that chain.

And for that very reason, I don’t think it’s necessary that we hunt the shark that killed Dr. Martin. It was hungry and mistook him for a seal. Deal with it - sharks own the ocean, not us.

If I am killed by a shark while in the ocean, just know that I died while doing something I loved, I was happy as hell, and that I knew the risks that accompanied this endeavor. I will exercise all caution, and leave the water when I feel unsafe (surfers often get a sixth sense when the water feels eerily “sharky”).

If you don’t like it, go ride a bicycle.
See you in the water!

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01.22.08

Fed Cuts Interest Rate to 0% In Emergency Effort

Posted in Investing, Rants at 6:46 pm

August 5, 2008 — The Federal Reserve cut the benchmark interest rate by 1.5% to a new target lending rate of 0% yesterday, the Federal Open Market Committee said in a statement in Washington. It’s the largest reduction since the Fed began using the rate as primary tool of fiscal policy around 1990.

“Broader financial market conditions have continued to deteriorate and credit has tightened further for some businesses and households,” the Fed said in a statement in Washington. The FOMC took the action “in view of a weakening of the economic outlook and increasing downside risks to growth.”

The Fed continued, “After a long review of our inflationary data, the determination has been made that inflation does not exist.” When asked about $5.00/gallon gasoline and skyrocketing rental costs, the Fed declined comment, merely stating that energy costs are not part of inflation data.

John Thompson, Senior Staff Analyst at RBB Associates, believes that this will solve the country’s economic woes. “Interest rates are a thing of the past. We no longer believe that they are necessary, since we can print as many greenbacks as needed to pay for our luxaries, Mexican labor, and cluster bombs. As long as the government continues to spend this money, it will exchange hands and wealth will be generated an infinite amount.”

When asked about the Euro reaching an all-time high of 1 Euro to 8 US Dollars, Thompson remarked that “European central banking will soon follow suit to eliminate interest rates and order will be restored. Clearly they will want to keep pace with the most powerful economy in the world.”

Despite panic among treasury traders, the Dow Jones closed up at 12,753.53 points. Most impressive gains were in the services sector, which were up 3.4%, despite data showing that nobody has had work for 4 months.

John McCain, former Republican Presidential Candidate and Congressman, was overheard saying “0% interest rates should get us through this election, at which point Mitt Romney will win the Presidency and we can continue to do the Federal Reserve’s biddings. The draft won’t be far off, and we’ll no longer have to worry about economics ever again”

A representative of the middle class was sought for comment, but none could be found.

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01.04.08

Florida Shows Off That Southern Speed in 2007 Bowl Season

Posted in Rants, Sports at 12:00 pm

Wow, just look at that SOUTHERN SPEED we keep hearing about from the media!! Let’s see how our good friends down in Florida did this year:

1. Florida

   Despite losing four bowl games in a row, Michigan takes the hated Gators out 41-35. Florida bounces off of their National Title with a glamorous four-loss season.

   And who was the last team Michigan beat in a bowl game? Drumroll… The Gators! (2003 Outback Bowl).

2. South Florida

   Humiliated for 56 points by an Oregon team with a back-up quarterback. Back to irrelevancy…

3. UCF

   Wow, a three-point jaw-dropper to fall to five-time-loser Mississippi State in the Autozone Liberty Bowl.

4. Florida State

   Loses a mere three dozen idiots due to suspension and then loses to those basketballers at Kentucky. Hey Bowden - Great job on another classy 7-6 season!

5. Miami

   I can’t find them on the ESPN scoreboard. Oh wait, that’s right — THE U went 5-7 and was not invited to a bowl game. Easy come, easy go.

Hey, at least Florida Atlantic took it to six-loss Memphis in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!

Now THAT’S some Southern Speed!

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12.16.07

Good Riddance Smart Money Magazine - A Smart Money Review

Posted in Book Reviews, Investing, Rants at 11:19 pm

Dear Smart Money Magazine Editors,

For three years, I’ve been a loyal subscriber and reader of Smart Money Magazine. It was always a well-written magazine with solid advice. The articles and stock picks were often winners, and the writers always gave compelling arguments and entertaining insight.

However, over these years, I’ve come to watch your magazine turn into a pile of non-technical financial fluff with egregious amounts of cardboard inserts, advertisement-fueled centerfolds, and consumer-driven spending spree recommendations.

I could handle the tripling of cardboard inserts and ads over the past year. My first mission upon opening a newly arrived Smart Money was to tear out all cardboard and throw it away. Seriously though, if I’m a subscriber to your magazine, how many damned business reply mail cards do I need to re-subscribe to the mag? Isn’t one enough?

I could also handle the annoying centerfold-style articles that span four pages so that Smart Money can sell monstrous ads to Genworth Financial and T. Rowe Price. But as much as I love looking like a complete jackass while gawking over an enormous centerfold on a crowded airplane, I prefer to keep my centerfolds in magazines that do NOT sport pictures of Ben Bernanke.

However, the tipping point for my frustration with your publication came in the December 2007, with the cover article Best of Everything — 9 New Splurges You Deserve.

Let me tell you Smart Money hypocrites something - if I am subscribed to something titled Smart Money Magazine, chances are that I don’t want to read your recommendations for a 3,450 dollar fucking watch. How dare you insult me with your half-assed third of a page to recommend plasma TVs! And I certainly don’t need you telling me where to get a road bike or silk scarves of all things. You call this SMART money?

If I want to find the best television, guess where the last place I’m going to look for advice is: that’s right, a financial magazine. If I needed a buying guide, I would go get Consumer Fucking Reports, not your joke of a monthly publication.

So essentially, the money I’ve paid you this past year to give me financial advice has gone towards receiving advertisements and learning how to piss away my money on your recommended product-placement-driven luxary goods?

Well guess what Smart Money - I’m done with you. My subscription ended with that December edition and you will not be receiving any more money from me. Good luck with your spa bathrobe recommendations to your moron customers who sit in debt while I read how to actually properly SAVE money from your competition.

Sincerely,
Mike Roberto
Hermosa Beach, CA

So I’m now on a mission to find a REAL financial magazine, something with real technical analysis, a worldview, written and edited by people who aren’t complete sell-outs. I’m currently thinking of getting The Economist, which is an England-based weekly news magazine. Despite being less financial-based, having four times the content will more than make up for Smart Money’s monthly blundering babble.

Any recommendations would be appreciated.

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