This post has three main messages:

The first message is one giant middle finger to every brainwashed, spiral-eyed zombie Ohio State fan who sent me hate mail regarding the aforementioned post. I was right and you were wrong. James Laurinaitis is not only overrated, but he sucked in every big game he played for us, including this week’s Fiesta Bowl disappointment. I may have seen him make about two impact plays since I wrote that, and one of them was during a Michigan State rout.

The Fiesta Bowl was over the second Texas figured that they could simply pass it over the middle a few yards over #33’s head time and time again. He was absolutely lost in coverage, and got schooled by Colt McCoy his thousand-yard passing entourage. I won’t bother posting pictures or videos, someone else can go prove me right. I’m sure whoever does it will find a few good pics where JL is jumping on piles after the whistle and is somehow upside-down too, for good measure. That is, when he’s not standing around like an idiot with his thumb up his ass during passing plays.

My second message is good riddance to the 2008 Ohio State football senior class. You have continually let us down, you never played with ANY heart, and you have diminished the respect of this University (note to spiral-eyed zombie Ohioans – I’ve lived in Texas and CA. We have zero respect and I’m getting sick of defending my degree.)

I should have known there’d be four years of disappointment from these clowns when I saw punter AJ Trapasso starting fights at a local campus bar before he even enrolled into the school. Or when perpetual-disappointment Alex Boone got a DUI and hasn’t made a block since. I’ve never seen an offensive line so out of shape as they were in the second-half of the Fiesta Bowl. I’ll lump Malcolm Jenkins in on the blame too – you all go down together – Jenkins perhaps you should have stepped up as a leader after #33 failed us the first 3 big games?

My third message is that I refuse to enter the Shoe until some major changes are made. I’m not supporting this bullshit. Fire Bollman and every other lopsided Tressel cronie, get an offensive coordinator who knows how to call plays, and find someone who knows what to do with Terrelle Pryor, who is possibly the best player in college football for the next three years unless you continue to waste him. Until then, I’ll fly to Columbus, wear my OSU shirt, hang with friends, and laugh at the morons who pay $800 to watch a truly elite team like USC obliterate us.

I’d rather go 8-4 and show some heart than beat up on the pathetic Big Ten and leave nothing on the table against real teams. Good fucking riddance.

GO BUCKS 2009.

PS – To the thousands of people who found my blog by searching for James Laurinaitis’s girlfriend – GET A LIFE.

Related posts:

1. James Laurinaitis: Ohio State’s Most Overrated Linebacker Ever
2. The Ohio State 2007 National Championship Cleveland Watch List
3. Ohio State to Exorcise Its Demons (and LSU) in the BCS National Championship Game

I loved Austin and wanted to share my joy (and contempt) for the city. I received a lot of good and bad press due to my comments. I learned that when writing, you are putting yourself out there — you need to be thick-skinned and stick to your guns.

Since then, I moved to Hermosa Beach in the South Bay area of Los Angeles to start a new life chapter. I can honestly say that with the possible exception of the 2002 football season or the entire 2004 school year at Ohio State, I’ve never been a happier person. I love life, I love where I live, and I love what I do on a daily basis.

The thing is, I no longer have anything to prove to you. I don’t care if you have a good or bad time in LA. I don’t care if you go to Hollywood when you really should be checking out the South Bay and parts of Orange County.

So many people in the Midwest have never visited LA (or CA for that matter), but still had to share their opinions that I shouldn’t come here. They think it’s a horrible place because “they’ve heard”. They heard there were too many mean people. Rude drivers. High crime, gays, drug abusers, etc.

Rather than listen to the uninformed, sheltered Midwestern masses, I came and experienced. It took me three weekends, but I found the spot in this big city where I could get along. Sure there are bad elements – it is a big city after all – but that’s why you shop around.

So I am not going to write a guide on what to do here. There are plenty of places to find that out, such as yelp.com or the OSU and USC message boards.

Instead, I’m going to tell you a bit about the South Bay, the area where I live in LA.

That first year in LA is rough — if you don’t approach it right, it will eat you alive. If you don’t get active in some sort of productive scene, you will perish. If you are a slug and don’t latch onto the energy, you will get kicked to the curb and turn into a nobody.

For me, the scene that brought me into this fold of energy and activity was beach volleyball. It is definitely the best way to meet normal people out here. It has given LA such a small-town feel for me. You can’t just go out to bars here and expect to meet quality people.

I don’t know why, but when I moved here, I didn’t expect there to be so much partying. Instead, I learned that down here, nobody grows up. There are 35 year olds partying harder than I did as a 25 year old. Nobody gets married. Everyone is dating 4 other people. There is always something going on. Everyone is beautiful and in good shape. It is an adult playground. IT IS COMPETITIVE.

This competition is scary, but don’t let it scare you off. You must step up your game here, in all aspects of the word. You must adapt to the energy. For me, it brought my fight and drive back. It has brought my social skills to new levels.

Californians are a different breed. I still don’t understand them, but let me tell you, they love to talk. At first, I thought they were trying to get something out of me, but then I learned to relax — all they want is a nice Midwestern ear to fill. When everyone talks and is hopped up on 8 cups of coffee, they will fall in love with a listener.

Despite the ridiculous amounts of stimulant-enriched energetic people here, they’re still super laid back. I love it, it’s the best of both worlds.

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, PEOPLE ARE NICE.

In my Austin post, I talked about how dumb some Texans were. While true, let me tell you, I had no clue what I was in for in LA. What’s ridiculous is the diversity here – you might be walking down the street with one guy next to you who has got to be the biggest idiot on the planet, and on your other side is literally a brilliant rocket scientist. I’ve never seen anything like it in my life. There is no range like this anywhere else.

Everyone in LA is a goddamned real estate expert.

The way I see it, there are only two reasons to move to LA:
1. To be by the ocean
2. To get into “the industry”

I personally see no point to living in the Inland Empire, especially if renting. I also see no reason how people live by the beach/ocean but never use them.

The traffic is awful. I stay off the highways and schedule my life around it. I don’t see how people sit in traffic every day like lemmings. Is this really what we want to be doing with our lives?

Rude drivers? I don’t know, I haven’t really seen it. I’ve never had a time when people would not let me into a lane. I’m rarely cut off by a madman on the loose. Sure, if you sit at the intersection playing on your stupid phone, you will get honked at quicker than in Texas. But there’s a lot of cars out here and we need you moving your ass on green. I have no problem honking when people deserve it, but it doesn’t happen as much as I would have thought.

The highways. It’s not Route 405, or 405. It’s THE 405. Almost like it’s THE Ohio State University, except you say “thuh” and not “thee”. The best explanation I’ve heard for having “The” in front of all of the highways is that each highway has its own very unique personality and thus becomes a proper noun. I personally love it.

I’m not into most LA clothing style. I hate the black print shirts, I hate straight brimmed hats, I hate plaid shorts, I hate high black socks, I hate sagging, and I hate that stupid ass piece of facial hair under your lower lip.

Most of the styles mentioned above are what all the “bros” wear. Unless you are one of my best friends out here, I am NOT your “bro”. I am a dude, or a man.

The heavy metal shows out here are weak as balls.

I have caught myself saying “gnarly”. I plan on keeping this one, just like I occasionally bust out a “y’all” still.

Californians like to say “no worries”. I rarely catch myself saying it, I’m just a “no problem” kind of guy.

I don’t know a damned thing about Hollywood. Don’t ask me about it, and don’t expect me to take you there when you visit, because I don’t go there unless I have a concert to attend. It’s out of my “bubble”, or my small LA geographical area of interest. It’s a pain to get there and it’s not my scene. I’m sure a Buckeye in Hollywood could write an equally interesting rant with a completely different theme… but I prefer to stay by the beach and play with dolphins.

I am falling in love with the Pacific Ocean. Sometimes she lets me ride on her shoulder, other times she beats the piss out of me. It will be tough to leave her — and I’m not sure if I ever will — I don’t make plans like that anymore. No plans.

Californians seem to drink more soda than pop. Unlike other Buckeyes, I don’t fight for “pop”. I just order a Diet Coke — why bother with vagaries?

Girls who’ve lived out here all their life hate the “transplants”, especially other girls. Those are the girls who give LA a bad name. They come out here and try to become something they’re not. They begin to FLAKE.

… and “flaking” is a big problem out here. You can make plans with some people, and have no clue who will really show up. I tend to quickly remove flakes from my life, so it doesn’t bother me too much anymore. Two or three flakes and you’re a goner. I have too many other girls chasing me to care.

Yes, the girls do chase out here. Maybe my game is just that much better, but I don’t think that’s all. If you are a girl and you don’t chase, your mating prospects will be harder. But don’t chase too hard, because that’s a turn-off too. The tables have certainly turned.

Everyone loves the environment. I now recycle like a fiend and love it. I swim in that ocean, put your garbage somewhere else.

If you’re tight on time, don’t get a Californian hybrid owner talking about their hybrid. You might still be there through sunrise.

Despite the enormous Aerospace industry out here, don’t bother talking politics if you’re a neocon. You won’t like what you find. Liberals and third-parties can get along just fine.

Gas is expensive. But not as expensive as Europe, so quit bitching. GM is really regretting killing the EV1 though. Don’t mention that to the guys in Torrance who developed the drive train for it though.

Tattoos run rampant. Especially the full-arm sleeve ones. Kind of scary, but kind of cool too. Don’t expect to see me with one anytime soon though.

If I can’t wear flip flops and a T-shirt (preferably my new Iron Maiden one), I’m not coming.

Sand is EVERYWHERE. I can’t get it out of my bed. I flew home to Cleveland and it ended up in my bed there too – I think I transported it with my ears and belly button. After enough volleyball, you eventually just give up and get used to rolling around in sand.

Sushi is on every corner. Everyone has their own favorite hole-in-the-wall Sushi spot that they love and everyone else hates. Those are fun.

Unlike Texas, good pizza CAN be found out here. It’s still difficult though.

Nobody seems to care about Arnold anymore.

Lastly,

Ohio State – 21
USC – 20

Ohio State goes undefeated, and loses the BCS National Championship to Georgia.

Have fun!

Related posts:

1. Fellow Buckeyes – So You Wanna Visit Austin?
2. Forgive Me Buckeyes, For I Have Sinned
3. I Didn’t Want to Go There Anyway…

Over the past decade, our government has engaged in a series of actions that have resulted in the devaluation of the US Dollar. From
artificially low interest rates to printing up “free money” and distributing it as “stimulus checks”, our dollar has become more and more worthless on the global market. Just like its dim-witted citizenry, this country spends more money than it makes. What makes the government different than its citizens is that the government doesn’t go bankrupt — the money just becomes increasingly useless.

As a result of this, the prices of imported goods (oil, anybody?) have skyrocketed, and our country is quietly being bought out by the Europeans.

That case of Bud Light, which is produced by now European-owned Anheuser-Busch, was direct support for the collapse of the dollar and those who are profiting off of it. Cashing that check devalued the dollar, and the devaluation of the dollar is partially responsible for the sale of AB to InBev. Regardless of which came first, the downward spiral we are traveling upon will be difficult to derail unless we make changes now.

My first change? I’m done buying foreign-owned beer that tries to pass off as “Great American Beer” for my cheap beer selection.

Let’s take a look at the currently popular beer purchases:

• Anheuser-Busch products? Nope, soon-to-be owned by InBev, a bunch of Europeans.
• How about that nice Pete Coors guy and his Coors Light? Oops, Molson owns them up in Canada. Tap the Rockies (and give the profits to Canadians) indeed.
• Well, there’s always that dreaded Miller filthwater, right? Wrong. Owned by SABMiller, which stands for South African Breweries – Miller.

That covers about 90% of what you’ll find on the shelves. Now this is where things get really sad: The largest American-owned beer company is now Pabst. What Pabst doesn’t want you to know is that they don’t even brew beer (and clearly don’t know how) – that’s done by our foreign foes in MillerCoors.

So what American actually brews the damn stuff in America? The Boston Beer Company (Sam Adams).

This means that the next time I’m asked to buy some light beer for a party, here are my choices:

1. Sam Adams Light – At 124 calories, hardly a light beer,
   but I do like it.
2. Yuengling – Great stuff, but I’ve never seen it in California.
3. Iron City Brewing – I.C. Light is probably the closest thing to a “Great American Light” beer you’ll find. Unfortunately, it’s brewed in Pittsburgh, and those of you who know me know that I won’t touch it. My devotion to the Cleveland Browns is above even beer
4. Shiner (Spoetzel Brewery) – I absolutely love this stuff, and will drink it on my upcoming trip to Austin, but I’ve never seen a Shiner Light out here. Shiner Bock will do for now.

At this point, I give up. It’s even worse when I realize that I’d like cans so that I can bring them to the beach. Perhaps it is time I stop buying a “Great American” light beer, and move on to the other delicious brews we have and make my friends deal with it.

The time is ripe for an American to step it up, make the next popular light beer, and distribute/market it like mad. While you’re at it, get the NASCAR crowd up in arms. Pabst could step up to the table, but they need to start brewing their own beer again before I jump onto that bandwagon. Until then, I’m drinking Shiner and Fat Tire.

And as a footnote, how did Friday’s party go? Well, during a wild drinking game, my friend accidentally swallowed a quarter, and couldn’t get it back up. What’s really miserable is that by the time he ‘passes’ it, it will probably be worth about half as much.

Related posts:

1. How to Buy and Own Gold – The Layman’s Guide to Escaping the Dollar
2. Weekend in Portland – Mountains, Beer, and Guns
3. Fed Cuts Interest Rate to 0% In Emergency Effort

I’ve recently received a good number of concerned messages after Dr. Martin’s death, since I’ve been swimming and surfing a lot lately. While I appreciate your concern, I am here to publicly state that I am not going to stop swimming or surfing due to fear of sharks.

I understand the risks I take every time I don a black wetsuit and get into the ocean. The natural marine life, whilst normally shark-free, is part of the fun, adrenaline-pumping process of becoming one with mother nature and her brutal, often unforgiving power.

Let’s be clear about it – When you enter the ocean, you become part of the food chain. And for the first time in your city-dwelling life, you are no longer on top of that chain.

And for that very reason, I don’t think it’s necessary that we hunt the shark that killed Dr. Martin. It was hungry and mistook him for a seal. Deal with it – sharks own the ocean, not us.

If I am killed by a shark while in the ocean, just know that I died while doing something I loved, I was happy as hell, and that I knew the risks that accompanied this endeavor. I will exercise all caution, and leave the water when I feel unsafe (surfers often get a sixth sense when the water feels eerily “sharky”).

If you don’t like it, go ride a bicycle.
See you in the water!

Related posts:

1. Week One in the Books
2. I Can’t Cry
3. This is What I Have to Deal With…

“Broader financial market conditions have continued to deteriorate and credit has tightened further for some businesses and households,” the Fed said in a statement in Washington. The FOMC took the action “in view of a weakening of the economic outlook and increasing downside risks to growth.”

The Fed continued, “After a long review of our inflationary data, the determination has been made that inflation does not exist.” When asked about $5.00/gallon gasoline and skyrocketing rental costs, the Fed declined comment, merely stating that energy costs are not part of inflation data.

John Thompson, Senior Staff Analyst at RBB Associates, believes that this will solve the country’s economic woes. “Interest rates are a thing of the past. We no longer believe that they are necessary, since we can print as many greenbacks as needed to pay for our luxaries, Mexican labor, and cluster bombs. As long as the government continues to spend this money, it will exchange hands and wealth will be generated an infinite amount.”

When asked about the Euro reaching an all-time high of 1 Euro to 8 US Dollars, Thompson remarked that “European central banking will soon follow suit to eliminate interest rates and order will be restored. Clearly they will want to keep pace with the most powerful economy in the world.”

Despite panic among treasury traders, the Dow Jones closed up at 12,753.53 points. Most impressive gains were in the services sector, which were up 3.4%, despite data showing that nobody has had work for 4 months.

John McCain, former Republican Presidential Candidate and Congressman, was overheard saying “0% interest rates should get us through this election, at which point Mitt Romney will win the Presidency and we can continue to do the Federal Reserve’s biddings. The draft won’t be far off, and we’ll no longer have to worry about economics ever again”

A representative of the middle class was sought for comment, but none could be found.

Related posts:

1. The Great Unamerican Beer
2. Life and the Cereal Price Index
3. How to Buy and Own Gold – The Layman’s Guide to Escaping the Dollar

1. Florida

   Despite losing four bowl games in a row, Michigan takes the hated Gators out 41-35. Florida bounces off of their National Title with a glamorous four-loss season.

   And who was the last team Michigan beat in a bowl game? Drumroll… The Gators! (2003 Outback Bowl).

2. South Florida

   Humiliated for 56 points by an Oregon team with a back-up quarterback. Back to irrelevancy…

3. UCF

   Wow, a three-point jaw-dropper to fall to five-time-loser Mississippi State in the Autozone Liberty Bowl.

4. Florida State

   Loses a mere three dozen idiots due to suspension and then loses to those basketballers at Kentucky. Hey Bowden – Great job on another classy 7-6 season!

5. Miami

   I can’t find them on the ESPN scoreboard. Oh wait, that’s right — THE U went 5-7 and was not invited to a bowl game. Easy come, easy go.

Hey, at least Florida Atlantic took it to six-loss Memphis in the R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl!

Now THAT’S some Southern Speed!

Related posts:

1. The Ohio State 2007 National Championship Cleveland Watch List
2. I Didn’t Want to Go There Anyway…
3. 10/13/2007 – Ohio Obliteration Domination Day (OODD)

For three years, I’ve been a loyal subscriber and reader of Smart Money Magazine. It was always a well-written magazine with solid advice. The articles and stock picks were often winners, and the writers always gave compelling arguments and entertaining insight.

However, over these years, I’ve come to watch your magazine turn into a pile of non-technical financial fluff with egregious amounts of cardboard inserts, advertisement-fueled centerfolds, and consumer-driven spending spree recommendations.

I could handle the tripling of cardboard inserts and ads over the past year. My first mission upon opening a newly arrived Smart Money was to tear out all cardboard and throw it away. Seriously though, if I’m a subscriber to your magazine, how many damned business reply mail cards do I need to re-subscribe to the mag? Isn’t one enough?

I could also handle the annoying centerfold-style articles that span four pages so that Smart Money can sell monstrous ads to Genworth Financial and T. Rowe Price. But as much as I love looking like a complete jackass while gawking over an enormous centerfold on a crowded airplane, I prefer to keep my centerfolds in magazines that do NOT sport pictures of Ben Bernanke.

However, the tipping point for my frustration with your publication came in the December 2007, with the cover article Best of Everything — 9 New Splurges You Deserve.

Let me tell you Smart Money hypocrites something – if I am subscribed to something titled Smart Money Magazine, chances are that I don’t want to read your recommendations for a 3,450 dollar fucking watch. How dare you insult me with your half-assed third of a page to recommend plasma TVs! And I certainly don’t need you telling me where to get a road bike or silk scarves of all things. You call this SMART money?

If I want to find the best television, guess where the last place I’m going to look for advice is: that’s right, a financial magazine. If I needed a buying guide, I would go get Consumer Fucking Reports, not your joke of a monthly publication.

So essentially, the money I’ve paid you this past year to give me financial advice has gone towards receiving advertisements and learning how to piss away my money on your recommended product-placement-driven luxary goods?

Well guess what Smart Money – I’m done with you. My subscription ended with that December edition and you will not be receiving any more money from me. Good luck with your spa bathrobe recommendations to your moron customers who sit in debt while I read how to actually properly SAVE money from your competition.

Sincerely,
Mike Roberto
Hermosa Beach, CA

So I’m now on a mission to find a REAL financial magazine, something with real technical analysis, a worldview, written and edited by people who aren’t complete sell-outs. I’m currently thinking of getting The Economist, which is an England-based weekly news magazine. Despite being less financial-based, having four times the content will more than make up for Smart Money’s monthly blundering babble.

Any recommendations would be appreciated.

Related posts:

1. Why You do NOT Deserve to be the TIME Magazine Person of the Year
2. Book Review: The Broker, by John Grisham
3. My First Book Review: Freakonomics, by Steven Levitt and Stephen Dubner

Specifically, I was a guest picketer for the Writers Guild of America (WGA), joining my dear friend Sarah Watson, writer on NBC’s forthcoming primetime show, Lipstick Jungle.

For those of you unaware, the WGA is a union which represents TV, film, and radio writers. The WGA is striking against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP), which is an industry trade group consisting of U.S. film production companies and studios (ie. GE/NBC/Universal, Disney, Time Warner, etc). Every three years, these organizations negotiate a basic contract. However, in 2007, negotiations failed, and a strike began on November 2, 2007.

The way I understand it (heavily dumbed down — explaining it is neither my jurisdiction nor purpose), there are two major sticking points to the WGA’s strike:

1. DVD Residuals
   The writers want 8 cents for every DVD sold, double their current 4 cents. That is 0.4% of the revenue from a $20.00 DVD.
2. “New Media” Residuals
   Writers currently get no money when their work is viewed through Internet downloads, streaming feeds, IPTV, or phone downloads. They want to receive the 2.5% for these (which is what they’re paid on traditional television).

The funniest thing about this strike is what a social event it seems to be for the writers. Everyone I talked to was in optimistic spirits, and was very friendly to Sarah and myself. After all, being out of work for many months at a time is nothing new to a writer. Among those that I met were

• Craig Williams, writer of Underdog (and some really cool upcoming ideas),
• Zach Estrin, Co-executive Producer of Prison Break,
• Brent Fletcher and John Zinman of Friday Night Lights (all of my regular readers know what a sucker I am for this show),
• David Misch and Jeff Reno of Mork & Mindy fame, and
• Rob Bragin, Sarah’s co-worker on Lipstick Jungle.

The Writers are not dumb, nor are the studios. As Internet and TV are quickly merging (take, for instance, AppleTV, Verizon FIOS, and even the growing popularity of streaming protocols such as Sopcast), each side must stand their ground and try to gain as much leverage over new media as soon as possible. This is especially true since the lines between TV and Internet are blurring and all forecasts of new media are vastly underestimated.

As a Libertarian, I find the entire situation to be a slap in the face to our country’s economic system, which resembles more and more of a joke every day. While I’ve never been pro-Union, I find it absolutely ridiculous that 6 of the largest corporations in the world can unite and dominate an industry with basically no competition between each other.

Our supposed ‘free market economy’ is dominated by corporate interests which have contributed to the disappearance of the middle class — a middle class that is vitally important to the survival of any democratic government.

I fully support the writers’ power to unionize and convene, but I also fully support the corporations power to fire their employees and do things their own way. That’s business.

What I cannot support is the fact that there are six companies worth a quarter of a trillion dollars all in bed with each other, negotiating blanket deals. These same corporations who control everything you read and hear, who are doing everything in their power to silence those who are trying to restore order to this country.

Although this strike has very little impact on my life and that of my family, I feel that it is indicative of the bigger picture — the pendulum has swung too far, and the time for mass corporate backlash is near.

My question to you writers is this: What next? Let’s say you get everything (or almost everything) you bargain for. You are still pawns in the system, stuck in a traditional business which does not fully understand the future of technology and no longer appreciates the people it serves.

Isn’t it time for something new? Why settle for this, when you can take a risk to do better — to compete with the system by starting your own production organization. After all, if you’re not willing to take this risk, then you’ve already lost.

Related posts:

1. Guest Writer – Dan Donatelli: Milk Nipple Envy
2. Humiliation: The Latest Craze in Entertainment
3. My letter to Congresswoman Jane Harman

Take, for instance, the mother of all humiliations in the news recently: Miss Teen USA 2007, South Carolina – Caitlin Upton. It’s been viewed over 14 million times, and I still can’t watch the entire thing:

Ten years ago, this girl’s life would have been over. But not anymore, thanks to the Internet. Tell me, how many of you can actually recognize the winner of Miss Teen USA? I know I couldn’t, but if I saw Caitlin on the street, I’d immediately recognize her. Not only that, but she’s now had major follow-up interviews, and I can guarantee you that magazines like FHM will are trying to get her into sexy photo shoots. The landscape has changed indeed.

Next humiliation: Britney Spears’ return to the big stage in MTV’s Video Music Awards (it’s been removed from YouTube).

There are two ways which Britney could have gotten all of the attention she received:

1. She knocks everyone’s socks off (not likely), or
2. She is a trainwreck (very likely).

As expected, Britney bombed in flying colors, yielding more press than a good performance would ever have received. Her constant humiliation has kept her in the spotlight. For someone struggling to keep things alive, no press is bad press.

What hasn’t been removed from YouTube, however, is the defensively embarrassing video “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” from Britney’s #1 fan, Chris Tucker. Nobody heard of this loser until this video was made. Now nearly 5 million people have watched it. In case you haven’t, here it is:

In case you didn’t know, Chris is a male, and is somehow gaining a monstrous fan base. Does anyone see a problem here?

Now let’s take a look at the lighter side of popular-culture humiliation. The Zombie Kid who Likes Turtles:

Ten years ago, 10,000 people in Portland, OR would have seen this on the evening news, said “what in the hell?”, and went to bed, all to forget about it the next day. Now, over a million people have seen Jonathon Ware — he gets recognized everywhere, t-shirts have been made with the “I Like Turtles” slogan, and there is a Washington Post Article summing up the whole experience.

For my last exhibit, my favorite humiliation of all, is “Flaming Shot Goes Terribly Wrong”:

I’ve seen this video over 50 times (more on that in the future), and laugh every time I see it. These guys are true heroes to our generation of idiots, including myself. “Flaaaaaaaaming!”

What’s the point?

My point is this. The Internet is moving towards a self-aggrandizing style of short-lived entertainment fueled by Generation Y-ers’ passion to put themselves in the spotlight at any cost. America has loved humiliation for several years, starting with the television show “COPS” and MTV’s “The Real World”, and then moving towards reality TV and shows like “Jackass”.

Your typical 30+ year old would never want to be shown on the Internet partaking in such self defeatism. They wisely cower at the sight of video cameras, and don’t want to be the center of this Internet-based attention.

Generation Y, however, is embracing that humiliation, and taking it to levels I never imagined. We are, as a young society, increasingly becoming attention-whores.

The rest of us just revel in everyone else’s humiliations because it makes us feel better about our worthless, emotionally-neglected selves, thanks to the lack of proper parenting because we decided to toss a generation of children in extended day care rather than raise them like normal humans just so that everyone could afford a 3,000 square foot house and country club membership.

Related posts:

1. HUMILIATION
2. I Will No Longer Press 1 To Speak English
3. Looks Like I’m Growing My Hair Out

Instead, I worry about time zones.

The first 23 years of my wonderful life were lived in ignorant, pampered bliss: I was a native of Eastern Standard Time, which I am beginning to think is God’s Time Zone¹. In God’s Time Zone, you do not have to think. Everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Much of my first 23 years were spent devoid of subtractional time calculations required by the other 2/3 of the country.

But in the Pacific Time Zone, things change. You find yourself missing football games because you failed to wake up before the sunrise. You need to bug out of work early to see your favorite basketball team. And you get really damned good at subtracting shit by 3.

On the east coast, you do no subtraction. You are in God’s time. Everything and everyone is on your time zone. It is normal to call someone at any hour you wish, because if it’s 9am in Akron, OH, surely it’s 9am in Hermosa Beach, CA.

And therein lies the problem. It is not 9am in Hermosa Beach. It is 6am. And when I get telephone calls at 6am by ignorant east coasters, I get upset.

Natives of Central Standard Time (which is, despite God’s will, the most superior time zone I have yet experienced) are typically at least cognizant to the fact that it is not 9am everywhere else. They understand that it might actually be 7am in California.

But east coast people know no such shame. They can call you whenever the hell they want. And they do. At least twice a month, from my calculations — and I’m quite sick of it.

So sick of it, in fact, that I’m considering cutting off all business ties with the east coast. Not because I’m becoming a Mercedes-driving asshole who lives in LA. And certainly not because I’m a west coast elitist — far from it. But mainly, because I’m sick and tired of being called at 6-fucking-thirty in the morning!

So since it’s so difficult to understand the simple rule of “Subtract by 3 when calling PST”, I will provide a table for you to print and keep posted to your telephone:

Thank you.

¹Many people may argue that God is timeless, but that falls upon deaf ears here, for I have now lived in two different time zones, and can testify that God’s watch, built by none other than the blind watchmaker, is set to Eastern Standard Time.

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