12.16.07

Good Riddance Smart Money Magazine - A Smart Money Review

Posted in Book Reviews, Investing, Rants at 11:19 pm

Dear Smart Money Magazine Editors,

For three years, I’ve been a loyal subscriber and reader of Smart Money Magazine. It was always a well-written magazine with solid advice. The articles and stock picks were often winners, and the writers always gave compelling arguments and entertaining insight.

However, over these years, I’ve come to watch your magazine turn into a pile of non-technical financial fluff with egregious amounts of cardboard inserts, advertisement-fueled centerfolds, and consumer-driven spending spree recommendations.

I could handle the tripling of cardboard inserts and ads over the past year. My first mission upon opening a newly arrived Smart Money was to tear out all cardboard and throw it away. Seriously though, if I’m a subscriber to your magazine, how many damned business reply mail cards do I need to re-subscribe to the mag? Isn’t one enough?

I could also handle the annoying centerfold-style articles that span four pages so that Smart Money can sell monstrous ads to Genworth Financial and T. Rowe Price. But as much as I love looking like a complete jackass while gawking over an enormous centerfold on a crowded airplane, I prefer to keep my centerfolds in magazines that do NOT sport pictures of Ben Bernanke.

However, the tipping point for my frustration with your publication came in the December 2007, with the cover article Best of Everything — 9 New Splurges You Deserve.

Let me tell you Smart Money hypocrites something - if I am subscribed to something titled Smart Money Magazine, chances are that I don’t want to read your recommendations for a 3,450 dollar fucking watch. How dare you insult me with your half-assed third of a page to recommend plasma TVs! And I certainly don’t need you telling me where to get a road bike or silk scarves of all things. You call this SMART money?

If I want to find the best television, guess where the last place I’m going to look for advice is: that’s right, a financial magazine. If I needed a buying guide, I would go get Consumer Fucking Reports, not your joke of a monthly publication.

So essentially, the money I’ve paid you this past year to give me financial advice has gone towards receiving advertisements and learning how to piss away my money on your recommended product-placement-driven luxary goods?

Well guess what Smart Money - I’m done with you. My subscription ended with that December edition and you will not be receiving any more money from me. Good luck with your spa bathrobe recommendations to your moron customers who sit in debt while I read how to actually properly SAVE money from your competition.

Sincerely,
Mike Roberto
Hermosa Beach, CA

So I’m now on a mission to find a REAL financial magazine, something with real technical analysis, a worldview, written and edited by people who aren’t complete sell-outs. I’m currently thinking of getting The Economist, which is an England-based weekly news magazine. Despite being less financial-based, having four times the content will more than make up for Smart Money’s monthly blundering babble.

Any recommendations would be appreciated.

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11.27.07

On Strike With the Writer’s Guild of America

Posted in Current Events, Politics, Rants, TV at 11:11 pm

Early this morning, I participated in an event I never would have imagined myself taking part in: I went on strike with a labor union.

Specifically, I was a guest picketer for the Writers Guild of America (WGA), joining my dear friend Sarah Watson, writer on NBC’s forthcoming primetime show, Lipstick Jungle.

For those of you unaware, the WGA is a union which represents TV, film, and radio writers. The WGA is striking against the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP), which is an industry trade group consisting of U.S. film production companies and studios (ie. GE/NBC/Universal, Disney, Time Warner, etc). Every three years, these organizations negotiate a basic contract. However, in 2007, negotiations failed, and a strike began on November 2, 2007.

The way I understand it (heavily dumbed down — explaining it is neither my jurisdiction nor purpose), there are two major sticking points to the WGA’s strike:

1. DVD Residuals
   The writers want 8 cents for every DVD sold, double their current 4 cents. That is 0.4% of the revenue from a $20.00 DVD.
2. “New Media” Residuals
   Writers currently get no money when their work is viewed through Internet downloads, streaming feeds, IPTV, or phone downloads. They want to receive the 2.5% for these (which is what they’re paid on traditional television).

The funniest thing about this strike is what a social event it seems to be for the writers. Everyone I talked to was in optimistic spirits, and was very friendly to Sarah and myself. After all, being out of work for many months at a time is nothing new to a writer. Among those that I met were

• Craig Williams, writer of Underdog (and some really cool upcoming ideas),
• Zach Estrin, Co-executive Producer of Prison Break,
• Brent Fletcher and John Zinman of Friday Night Lights (all of my regular readers know what a sucker I am for this show),
• David Misch and Jeff Reno of Mork & Mindy fame, and
• Rob Bragin, Sarah’s co-worker on Lipstick Jungle.

The Writers are not dumb, nor are the studios. As Internet and TV are quickly merging (take, for instance, AppleTV, Verizon FIOS, and even the growing popularity of streaming protocols such as Sopcast), each side must stand their ground and try to gain as much leverage over new media as soon as possible. This is especially true since the lines between TV and Internet are blurring and all forecasts of new media are vastly underestimated.

As a Libertarian, I find the entire situation to be a slap in the face to our country’s economic system, which resembles more and more of a joke every day. While I’ve never been pro-Union, I find it absolutely ridiculous that 6 of the largest corporations in the world can unite and dominate an industry with basically no competition between each other.

Our supposed ‘free market economy’ is dominated by corporate interests which have contributed to the disappearance of the middle class — a middle class that is vitally important to the survival of any democratic government.

I fully support the writers’ power to unionize and convene, but I also fully support the corporations power to fire their employees and do things their own way. That’s business.

What I cannot support is the fact that there are six companies worth a quarter of a trillion dollars all in bed with each other, negotiating blanket deals. These same corporations who control everything you read and hear, who are doing everything in their power to silence those who are trying to restore order to this country.

Although this strike has very little impact on my life and that of my family, I feel that it is indicative of the bigger picture — the pendulum has swung too far, and the time for mass corporate backlash is near.

My question to you writers is this: What next? Let’s say you get everything (or almost everything) you bargain for. You are still pawns in the system, stuck in a traditional business which does not fully understand the future of technology and no longer appreciates the people it serves.

Isn’t it time for something new? Why settle for this, when you can take a risk to do better — to compete with the system by starting your own production organization. After all, if you’re not willing to take this risk, then you’ve already lost.

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09.13.07

Humiliation: The Latest Craze in Entertainment

Posted in Current Events, HUMILIATIONS, Rants at 7:53 pm

For well over three years, I have been constantly abusing the word “humiliation”. I revel in the minor doses of fame resulting from stories of my getting into and out of pitiful situations. I didn’t know that this would happen, but it now seems as though personal humiliation is an incredible way to get attention in today’s morally-declining American society – which often equates to measures of success.

Take, for instance, the mother of all humiliations in the news recently: Miss Teen USA 2007, South Carolina – Caitlin Upton. It’s been viewed over 14 million times, and I still can’t watch the entire thing:

Ten years ago, this girl’s life would have been over. But not anymore, thanks to the Internet. Tell me, how many of you can actually recognize the winner of Miss Teen USA? I know I couldn’t, but if I saw Caitlin on the street, I’d immediately recognize her. Not only that, but she’s now had major follow-up interviews, and I can guarantee you that magazines like FHM will are trying to get her into sexy photo shoots. The landscape has changed indeed.

Next humiliation: Britney Spears’ return to the big stage in MTV’s Video Music Awards (it’s been removed from YouTube).

There are two ways which Britney could have gotten all of the attention she received:

1. She knocks everyone’s socks off (not likely), or
2. She is a trainwreck (very likely).

As expected, Britney bombed in flying colors, yielding more press than a good performance would ever have received. Her constant humiliation has kept her in the spotlight. For someone struggling to keep things alive, no press is bad press.

What hasn’t been removed from YouTube, however, is the defensively embarrassing video “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!” from Britney’s #1 fan, Chris Tucker. Nobody heard of this loser until this video was made. Now nearly 5 million people have watched it. In case you haven’t, here it is:

In case you didn’t know, Chris is a male, and is somehow gaining a monstrous fan base. Does anyone see a problem here?

Now let’s take a look at the lighter side of popular-culture humiliation. The Zombie Kid who Likes Turtles:

Ten years ago, 10,000 people in Portland, OR would have seen this on the evening news, said “what in the hell?”, and went to bed, all to forget about it the next day. Now, over a million people have seen Jonathon Ware — he gets recognized everywhere, t-shirts have been made with the “I Like Turtles” slogan, and there is a Washington Post Article summing up the whole experience.

For my last exhibit, my favorite humiliation of all, is “Flaming Shot Goes Terribly Wrong”:

I’ve seen this video over 50 times (more on that in the future), and laugh every time I see it. These guys are true heroes to our generation of idiots, including myself. “Flaaaaaaaaming!”

What’s the point?

My point is this. The Internet is moving towards a self-aggrandizing style of short-lived entertainment fueled by Generation Y-ers’ passion to put themselves in the spotlight at any cost. America has loved humiliation for several years, starting with the television show “COPS” and MTV’s “The Real World”, and then moving towards reality TV and shows like “Jackass”.

Your typical 30+ year old would never want to be shown on the Internet partaking in such self defeatism. They wisely cower at the sight of video cameras, and don’t want to be the center of this Internet-based attention.

Generation Y, however, is embracing that humiliation, and taking it to levels I never imagined. We are, as a young society, increasingly becoming attention-whores.

The rest of us just revel in everyone else’s humiliations because it makes us feel better about our worthless, emotionally-neglected selves, thanks to the lack of proper parenting because we decided to toss a generation of children in extended day care rather than raise them like normal humans just so that everyone could afford a 3,000 square foot house and country club membership.

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08.14.07

Time Zone Tribulations

Posted in Rants at 10:30 pm

Moving 1400 miles away from your home (which is already 1400 miles away from HOME home) is oftentimes a daunting task for a person. New job, new friends, business associates, new weather, new culture. Most people worry about these things. In an alarming realization that I probably have no soul, I have discovered that I do not worry about such things.

Instead, I worry about time zones.

The first 23 years of my wonderful life were lived in ignorant, pampered bliss: I was a native of Eastern Standard Time, which I am beginning to think is God’s Time Zone¹. In God’s Time Zone, you do not have to think. Everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Much of my first 23 years were spent devoid of subtractional time calculations required by the other 2/3 of the country.

But in the Pacific Time Zone, things change. You find yourself missing football games because you failed to wake up before the sunrise. You need to bug out of work early to see your favorite basketball team. And you get really damned good at subtracting shit by 3.

On the east coast, you do no subtraction. You are in God’s time. Everything and everyone is on your time zone. It is normal to call someone at any hour you wish, because if it’s 9am in Akron, OH, surely it’s 9am in Hermosa Beach, CA.

And therein lies the problem. It is not 9am in Hermosa Beach. It is 6am. And when I get telephone calls at 6am by ignorant east coasters, I get upset.

Natives of Central Standard Time (which is, despite God’s will, the most superior time zone I have yet experienced) are typically at least cognizant to the fact that it is not 9am everywhere else. They understand that it might actually be 7am in California.

But east coast people know no such shame. They can call you whenever the hell they want. And they do. At least twice a month, from my calculations — and I’m quite sick of it.

So sick of it, in fact, that I’m considering cutting off all business ties with the east coast. Not because I’m becoming a Mercedes-driving asshole who lives in LA. And certainly not because I’m a west coast elitist — far from it. But mainly, because I’m sick and tired of being called at 6-fucking-thirty in the morning!

So since it’s so difficult to understand the simple rule of “Subtract by 3 when calling PST”, I will provide a table for you to print and keep posted to your telephone:

Thank you.

¹Many people may argue that God is timeless, but that falls upon deaf ears here, for I have now lived in two different time zones, and can testify that God’s watch, built by none other than the blind watchmaker, is set to Eastern Standard Time.

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06.14.07

The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy

Posted in HUMILIATIONS, Rants, Sports at 11:07 pm

On this fateful, yet somewhat expected night, I have decided to make public something that I have been preaching to close friends for the past couple of years. A prediction so unbelievably earth-shattering that it must be documented immediately, thus leaving out any question of its founding. Ladies and gentlemen, I bring to you The 2008 Cleveland Prophecy: All three major Cleveland sports teams will win their respective championships within the same year.

If you don’t want to get depressed, skip down to the prophecy section.

We have all seen the disastrous meltdowns that have ripped the hearts from Cleveland sports fans and bashed them to a pulp on the cold, rusted ground. While I was taught by my mother at a very young age that the Curse of Rocky Colavito was the beginning of the longest stretch of humiliation and despair professional sports would ever bring to one city, it actually started before that. Meet the 1899 Cleveland Spiders, the team that somehow found a way to go 20-134 — only 84 games behind first place. Over half a century later, during the 1954 World Series, Willie Mays made The Catch, which stunned Cleveland fans during a time of great prosperity.

Despite winning the 1964 NFL Championship, which would be the last glimmer of hope for decades to come, the Curse of Rocky Colavito was finally in full effect. Were I to travel back in time to this point, my only comment would be “it only gets worse from here”. But I’d be wrong, because it only gets a lot worse.

Not a whole lot of winning occurred until Ten Cent Beer Night in 1974, in which the Indians mounted a comeback against the Texas Rangers, yet had to forfeit the game due to the uncontrollable debauchery that typically ensues after spending $2.00 to drink 20 Budweisers. Back to losing we go…

In January of 1981, Red Right 88 put Oakland in the Super Bowl and the Browns in the dumpster.

But then there’s our favorite — The Drive. John Elway’s 98-yard comeback during the 1986 AFC Championship (January 1987) guaranteed us that we were on to something special – losing was in our blood at this point, and it would not be cleaned anytime soon. This day, however, is special to me because it is my first memory as a Cleveland Browns fan. I remember the mayhem that occurred at my neighbors home across the street from us. The women – one trashy next-door-neighbor, in particular – were going absolutely ape-shit. Me and the other 5-year olds who didn’t understand what was going on feared for our lives. What do you do when the people who have been protecting you all your life are no longer in control? Who will protect the protectors? This nuclear meltdown is forever scarred in my memory, and it has helped make me the Cleveland sports fan that I am now.

It only took another year for more of the same. In January of 1988, The Fumble went down, where Bernie Kosar’s four 2nd-half touchdowns would be negated by Earnest Byner’s fumble on the Denver 3-yard-line. 1987 stabbed you in the heart, 1988 twisted the blade.

We weren’t beat down enough, so Michael Jordan decided to join the party. 16 months after The Fumble, MJ nailed The Shot over poor Craig Ehlo, which I’m sure you’ve seen on hundreds of Gatorade commercials.

Next up – Art Modell and Al Lerner tear the soul from the city and move the Cleveland Browns to Baltimore, who of course go on to win the Super Bowl. I will not debate who is at fault for this move, as far as I’m concerned, everyone is, but it goes without saying that 1996-1998 sucked in Cleveland…

…especially on that fateful World Series Game 7 in 1997. Unbelievable.

In between all of these time gaps, every other Cleveland team is losing their asses off. That is, until 2007, when the Cleveland Cavs bring championship basketball back to the Heart of Rock and Roll, but lose to a superior San Antonio Spurs.

So this brings me back to the 2008 Cleveland Prophecy. Things began looking up a few years back – Lebron James on the Cavs. Hafner, Sabathia, and Sizemore on the Indians. Phil Savage to return the Browns back to glory. And slowly, the pieces are truly coming together.

The Cavs need just one or two more skilled players for Lebron to play along with, as well as the hopeful development of Daniel Gibson. GM Danny Ferry has ONE offseason to get it together – the Cavs will have to be the first to win in 2008.

The Indians are on the right track, but relief pitching needs to be addressed. Will owner Larry Dolan open his little checkbook and get someone? If so, 2008 is ours. Hell, we don’t look so bad in 2007!

And then there’s the Browns. The disgrace of modern Cleveland sports. With a great 2007 draft, we are out of excuses. For the first time I can ever remember, we are going to have an offensive line. The defense might actually be good if the offense can get a first down every now and then. And best of all, the NFL has the most parity of any pro sports league. Losers not unlike us can become winners quite quickly in the NFL, and we have 2 seasons to somehow find a way to do it.

It’s not about Lebron versus the San Antonio Spurs, the Indians vs. the Yankees, or even the Browns vs. the Steelers. It’s about Lebron, the Indians, and the Browns vs. the perennial Cleveland Collapse. And in 2008, I prophecize that we will defeat our own demons in one awe-inspiring year of chaos and destruction. And the world will end shortly thereafter.

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