01.14.07

Early Season Review: 24, Episodes 1-4 (NO SPOILERS)

Posted in TV at 10:56 pm

After 7 months of waiting, the first two installments of Fox’s hit series “24″ will finally be released to the world tonight. Due to my devastating good looks and personality, I have already made connections rather high up in Hollywood, and have secured the first four episodes of the thrilling action series.

Led by Jack Bauer and our friends at the Los Angeles CTU (Counter-Terrorist Unit) must again fight our Middle-Eastern pals who find it more important to destroy all of America rather than to lead meaningful and happy lives. We find out through the previews that Jack has been exchanged back to the United States by the Republic of China. Terrorists who have taken the country under a siege of suicide bombing attacks are demanding Jack be sacrificed in order to obtain critical information to stop the attacks.

I will not give away any details to the shows. Normally, it really wouldn’t matter because 24 has become so formulaic that you could predict everything from the start. For instance, let’s recap some of the formula:

• Jack returns from some type of hiatus in which he must overcome physical, mental, and personal issues in order to perform his job,
• CTU will have an insider and get compromised, often due to the fact that it is protected by mall security,
• A foul-smelling love plot will permeate early on in the season and fester the entire time throughout,
• It only takes 15 minutes to drive ANYWHERE in Los Angeles county (this is even more ridiculous now that I live here),
• CTU will have a high-ranking female individual who is a weak and embarrassing leader, but will also be rather pleasing to the eye,
• Someone from “Division” will come to replace CTU due to their incompetence, but will only bring more incompetence,
• A civilian family will be brought into the mix and have some sort of tremendous impact,
• Jack will go crazy and stop following protocol (often with a quality interrogation scene or two),
• The Nation’s leaders won’t listen to Jack because he’s gone crazy, only to realize he was right when it’s too late,
• All blonde-haired characters will be indestructible (Jack, Chloe, Audrey, Kim), while brunettes deal with a much higher mortality rate,
• Someone dies in the CTU hospital room,
• Jack will scream “DAMNIT!” and it will be awesome.

I’m not complaining though, because the formula is a good one, the action is great, and Kiefer Sutherland is incredible. It’s post-911 action/drama and I love it.

Moving on to this season, you can already tell that you will see some of the above formulaic traits. However, I’ll tell you this – this is NOT going to be your typical 24 season. If you think the show jumped the shark after its outlandish 5th season, then come on back aboard, because this one looks intense, and above all else, different.

Jack is different, as he’s been through a lot in China. The leadership is different, having learned from old mistakes and having a new President. The enemy is different, because there are multiple fronts. And finally, Chloe is different – she just looks hotter and is losing her charismatic attitude.

You will see things that have not happened in previous 24s. You will see Jack do things that he’s never done, and things done to Jack that haven’t been done before (i.e. he actually doesn’t beat the ever-living shit out of someone in one altercation, but don’t worry, that person will still die).

These new twists, along with others, make 24 extremely promising. Watch the first four episodes and tell me you aren’t absolutely hooked. Because I am, and now I have to wait a month to see any more.

Enjoy, and Rest In Peace Edgar (Seasons 2-5, pictured above)
-berto

PS: Bonus material – www.bauercount.com – read about every one of Jack’s kills in all episodes. Looking at the Episode 6 data may spoil it for you.

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12.03.06

TV Review: Friday Night Lights

Posted in TV at 11:38 pm

I’m not a TV guy, but Friday Night Lights has sucked me in. This action/drama show starring football-addicted small-town Texas has been stealing my Tuesday nights. Since it’s filmed right here in Austin, I have taken extra interest in this rapidly-degrading series.

The pilot of Friday Night Lights was incredible and had me within minutes. It was edgy, had lots of football action, and a good storyline. However, it was also predictable right from the start.

Obviously, this show is about high school kids, so it’s going to have every stereotype possible. The story focuses on two quarterbacks – the good one, and the backup. It didn’t take a whole lot of brains realize that this #1 QB was going to get his head blown off somewhere, and soon.

And so began the stereotypes and predictability, and they haven’t stopped since. So let’s quickly go through this show in all of its lameness:

The show stars all the stereotypes:

1. Good looking QB being recruited by Notre Dame (of course it has to be Notre Dame… anything else would force the writers to actually open the sports page to find a team that isn’t eternally overrated)… who obviously dates the cutest cheerleader
2. Thug black guy RB
3. New coach who is from out of town (and of course has a cute daughter and large-breasted MILF of a wife)
4. Young backup QB who is timid but will gain his wings
5. Alcoholic, undersized bad-boy fullback in all his 180lbs of fury
6. A few string-pulling sleazy rich guys
7. A bunch of other hot girls splattered throughout
8. Not a single offensive or defensive lineman. Who would expect Hollywood to know what those are?

And the story…

1. Star QB gets paralyzed, backup QB comes in and wins the game despite being cluelessly lost.
2. Team begins unraveling and loses a game. Idiot hillbillies (which, of course, is all that exists in Texas, right Hollywood?) start threatening the coach that he better start winning OR ELSE! (this latter part is actually realistic)
3. Sleazebag string-puller brings in another QB, who of course is yet another thug black guy. Obviously it’s not possible to have a nice black dude on a TV show in Texas… that kind of thing just doesn’t exist, does it? *rolls eyes*
4. The fullback, whose best friends with the former QB, has not visited him one time in the hospital as he recovers from a broken neck. He is too busy drinking at all hours of the day, just like every chum I knew in high school. Oh, and to top things off, he starts banging his best friend’s girlfriend. Yeah….
5. New thug QB is talented but a total asshole, so he gets kicked off the team. Didn’t see that one coming.
6. Throw in a half-dozen other worthless and meaningless sub-plots that have nothing to do with football (show is now deteriorating rapidly)
7. Backup QB solidifies his spot, starts winning, and is about to start boning the coach’s daughter for good measure.
8. Thug RB had a bad day, so what do all black guys do after a bad day? You guessed it! They start using drugs… this one goes on steroids. Am I laying it on thick enough yet?

So not only is this shit getting awfully lame, but at this point, they’re no longer showing any football! All the good parts of the show are gone, and have been replaced by the OC season 2.

At around #7, I begin hearing complaints from my good friend Lon, who was also suckered in by the pilot. This is where Lon boldly predicted,

only a matter of time until they introduce the homo
–Lon, football addict

And you know what? Lon is right. In fact, he’s so right that I’m not only willing to bet nearly any sum of money that this show will introduce a gay guy into the drama, I will predict who it’s going to be:

This guy. The gay guy will be the backup QB’s best friend, who has always been at his side and never has a girl. He’s also been frustrated with his best friend becoming “the man” as QB of the team, but is not on the varsity squad.

And at this point, you will all owe me your bets.

But we’ll just keep on watching, because after all, it’s not action, it’s drama – shitty drama at that — and I’m freakin hooked.

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