05.14.07

How to Poop in the Caribbean Sea (or Atlantic Ocean)

Posted in Travels at 9:51 pm

Last week, Billy and I visited Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica, a seedy beach town which was fortunate enough to be the training grounds for a newfound talent that I am going to teach to you here.

As an American, you are going to make certain mistakes in your traveling life. One such mistake is to overindulge in delicious street-vendor cuisine, which has been festering in a giant bacterial breeding ground: a huge bowl in the hot, humid, Costa Rican sunlight.

Not wanting to disappoint your friends, you will choose to go to the beach rather than to miserably sweat inside a sauna of a bathroom. While at the ocean, you are inevitably going to be pressed with one of life’s most burdensome issues: The need to poop while at the beach.

On one hand, you can always make the long walk back to the hotel room, do your business, and put your cold, salty swim shorts back on and walk back to the beach. On the other hand, you can do what real men do: poop in the ocean, or in this case, the Caribbean Sea.

In order to avoid absolutely humiliating yourself like this gentleman here, you are going to need some skilled technique. The following steps outline how to take care of business without ruining your fun in the sun:

1. Get in the water, preferably shoulder-deep.
2. Swim a hundred feet away from where you have been playing. It is important to make sure that nobody is around you¹.
3. Make sure that some waves are coming, but not too intense of waves that you’ll get capsized and blown onto your own turds while maneuvering this situation
4. Face away from the beach so as the waves pull your deposits away from you
5. Untie your shorts. Now comes the critical part.
6. Pull your pants down so that as much of your ass is showing, but crouch over so that your weenis is still covered as much as possible. If you are crazy, you can just take off the shorts and hold them, but I have fears of fish trying to eat my package.
7. Tread water with your hands. Keep your pants in position by spreading your legs as much as possible (it won’t be much, as the backside of your shorts will be around your thighs)
8. Let it rip. As soon as you feel a turd coming up, paddle/tread as far forward as you can. Move a bit sideways if it makes you feel better.
9. Repeat until done.
10. Saddle back up, swim back to the side and THEN back inland, and brag to all of your guy and girl friends about your massive accomplishments.

Unfortunately, I do not have any pictures of this incident, and I only took a few pictures in Puerto Viejo, but you can see them here. The main Costa Rica album will be updated throughout this blog here. Note that Angry Crab (pictured right) is mad that you are pooping in the ocean!

Please feel free to add any comments, critiques, or personal techniques. Perhaps we will start a web site devoted to pooping in large bodies of water.

Either way, Puerto Viejo, Costa Rica was a good time with Billy and Trainwreck, and there will be more about Costa Rica in postings to come. Stay tuned!

¹ It is a near guarantee that the nearest person of the opposite sex will start to advance onto you, as happened in my case. While girls have generally left me alone for the first 25 years of my life, the one time when I don’t want them to be coming near me, they start swimming over, no doubt.

Related posts:

1. Hostel Review: Cuesta Arriba in Santa Teresa, Costa Rica
2. Good Luck to Rowler, Trainwreck, and Angela on THE MISSION
3. Regarding This Week’s Shark Attack in San Diego

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