03.27.07

I Will No Longer Press 1 To Speak English

Posted in Current Events, Rants at 12:08 am

Here in the wonderful United States of America, we are well on our way to declaring English to be our official language. Senate Bill S. 2611 passed 62-35, and now needs to pass the House of Representatives. Having lived in Texas and Los Angeles, I almost thought we’d make the official language Spanish. But I was wrong.

So let me tell you how infuriated I get when I have to do extra work because I follow the damned rules. As if it’s not bad enough to have to deal with automated telephone systems, I am now asked to press 1 for English

Excuse me? I’m pretty sure that I am the default. I shouldn’t have to do jack shit to speak English^[1]. In fact, I should be given free discounts because I speak the damned language.

And that upsets me to the point of abusing customer service representatives (who are, by the way, quite possibly the most abused people in the world — especially if they’re really speaking that awful flavor of Indian-English).

So my ultimatum is this: if you ask me to press 1 to speak English, I am not going to. I am going to sit there. And wait. And if I get disconnected, you will lose my business. If I get forwarded to an operator, I will then tell them about my new refusal to press 1 to speak English, at which point they will roll their eyes and forward me to the proper Indian-speaking rep.

Furthermore, my solution to the afflicted situation is simple, and done by most responsible-behaving organizations: quickly state “Habla ‘espanol’ a hablar Espanol”, or something like that, pause for 3 seconds, and carry on in English if nothing is said.

But I’m not done yet. I am uninterested in treating the effect, but not the cause. Once English becomes the official language, we can get to the root of everything. Thus, I am in support of the recently proposed bill that requires general English understanding to acquire US citizenship.

Once we’re there, I am then in favor of allowing absolutely anyone who can grasp this to become a US citizen, so long as they don’t commit violent crimes (and if they do, I am also in favor of torturing them).

In conclusion, I will no longer press 1 to speak English. And if you think you’re going to change me, you must have forgotten how stubborn of a Roberto I am. I do not change. I will die not changing, and I would rather die than press 1.

^[1]Unless I’m calling Japan, and at that point I am actually more interested in speaking Engrish.