The Undoing of Lindsay Lohan

Throughout the early stages of her blossoming film career, Lindsay Lohan lived a relatively normal and peaceful Hollywood teenage life, if such a thing exists. However, in 2005, something happened. She began making headlines and was continually involved in negative news articles. After arduous thought, I have finally put a finger on what happened to cause this shift in behavior. I have found that Lohan was confronted by a force in her life that shook her foundations and changed the very spirit within her. A force bigger than you, bigger than me, and most definitely bigger than the young Lohan. So great, we can hardly even imagine the crushing impact this force must have on one’s soul. That force is Peter Griffin.

In 1998, Disney blessed the world with the motion picture debut of Lohan in the remake of The Parent Trap. The unoriginal yet successful film launched a career full of cutesy, teenage bopperslop that no longer limited the innocently attractive Lohan to commercials and soap operas. During this time, there were typical teenage altercations, such as the feud with Hilary Duff over the theft of Duff’s boyfriend. But in 2005, things really began going downhill, and haven’t stopped since.

It is of no coincidence that just around the time when Lohan’s screws were literally coming loose, Fox released Family Guy Presents: Stewie Griffin – The Untold Story. In a sub-plot of this humorous movie, Peter Griffin begins starring in a role titled “What Really Grinds My Gears” on the local news station, where he rants about something that bothers him.

It sounds innocent enough, but one such episode would go on to change the Hollywood landscape for a decade, possibly more:

You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You’re a… You’re out there jumping around and I’m just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you’re trying to – why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I’ll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is – is just bogus.

— Peter Griffin, The Stewie Griffin Story

The force seen above began to rear its ugly head during its conception throughout 2005. Lohan’s apparent loss of focus put her in the news three different times when she continued to get into car accidents. A mysterious, dark fog had been cast over the essence of Lindsay Lohan.

Troubles continued with hospital visits for her seemingly out-of-control eating, drinking, and smoking habits.

Lindsay’s eventual viewing of The Stewie Griffin Story was when things must have been put into perspective for her, but the process was slow. I imagine she watched the above scene over 50 times, contemplating the effects of her life and career upon the rest of the world.

And who could blame her? What would you do if an overweight, fictitious character who represents America’s blundering and dwindling middle-class had just told you that your entire existence is one big tease upon the world? That you are nothing but a pair of sticks and circles, here to somehow simultaneously impress men into thinking they have a chance with someone like you all while being forced into becoming a role model to the most forlorn group of adolescent girls that this society somehow managed to vomit upon older generations? Lindsay was confused at first, and rightfully so — it is a rare circumstance when a cartoon character crams your entire life into a 40 second diatribe.

The first phase of Lindsay’s path to realization was confusion. Poor driving, alcohol and cigarette abuse as linked above. The next phase was anger, which couldn’t have been helped by the divorce of her low-life parents.

After anger comes apathy, an emotion I am extremely knowledgeable about. After all, why bother caring about anything when you are coming to the realization that your boobs are carrying you rather than the other way around? Lohan then began have a fun time, no?

And finally came clarity. Self-realization. Lindsay Lohan declared that she would no longer be Peter Griffin’s slave of frustration. She would no longer be cast in the throes of tyranny as specified by fat men who prefer suing children and their mothers rather than fostering family values. She would no longer pretend to do the job of negligent parents in entertaining and impressing upon their bastard children while said parents chase the misinterpreted American dream with their 60-hour work weeks because their warped vision of true happiness is the escalating competition with their contemptible neighbors by purchasing shinier cars and all-brick homes that masquerade the empty misery of all members within.

Lohan had had enough. In late 2006, Lohan had a “surprisingly frank interview” with News of the World, clamoring to have sex with as many people as possible while all males remain monogamous towards her.

Lindsay Lohan had finally come undone. No longer an impossibility to Peter Griffin. The question of whether she wants to “go out” has been answered (the answer is “no” if you couldn’t figure it out). No longer a cute role model for Soccer Mom USA to throw a video in front of little Sally while she runs next door for a mid-afternoon booty call with the neighbor. This, of course, being the same mother who urges Sally to “do as I say and not as I do”. Lohan had effectively shattered the double-standard of my generation in the course of one drunken interview.

Well Lindsay, the wise, old staff here at wishes you well in your campaign against Peter Griffin. We support your regrettable interviews. But just note two things: 10 years from now, when we see a picture of your haggard face in some mug-shot, you will have wished that you took better care of your body. And second, don’t drink and drive — you’re already a bad enough driver around here as it is.

Posted in by Berto.

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