Moving 1400 miles away from your home (which is already 1400 miles away from HOME home) is oftentimes a daunting task for a person. New job, new friends, business associates, new weather, new culture. Most people worry about these things. But apparently I do not worry about such things.
Instead, I worry about time zones.
The first 23 years of my wonderful life were lived in ignorant, pampered bliss: I was a native of Eastern Standard Time, which I am beginning to think is God’s Time Zone1. In God’s Time Zone, you do not have to think. Everything is handed to you on a silver platter. Much of my first 23 years were spent devoid of subtractional time calculations required by the other 2/3 of the country.
But in the Pacific Time Zone, things change. You find yourself missing football games because you failed to wake up before the sunrise. You need to bug out of work early to see your favorite basketball team. And you get really damned good at subtracting shit by 3.
On the east coast, you do no subtraction. You are in God’s time. Everything and everyone is on your time zone. It is normal to call someone at any hour you wish, because if it’s 9am in Akron, OH, surely it’s 9am in Hermosa Beach, CA.
And therein lies the problem. It is not 9am in Hermosa Beach. It is 6am. And when I get telephone calls at 6am by foolish east coasters, I get upset.
Natives of Central Standard Time (which is, despite God’s will, the most superior time zone I have yet experienced) are typically at least cognizant to the fact that it is not 9am everywhere else. They understand that it might actually be 7am in California.
But east coast people know no such shame. They can call you whenever the hell they want. And they do. At least twice a month, from my calculations — and I’m quite sick of it.
So since it’s so difficult to understand the simple rule of “Subtract by 3 when calling PST”, I will provide a table for you to print and keep posted to your telephone:
| EST | CST | PST | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|
| 8:00 AM | 7:00 AM | 5:00 AM | DON’T |
| 9:00 AM | 8:00 AM | 6:00 AM | CALL ME |
| 10:00 AM | 9:00 AM | 7:00 AM | AT THESE TIMES |
| 11:00 AM | 10:00 AM | 8:00 AM | |
| 12:00 PM | 11:00 AM | 9:00 AM | |
| 1:00 PM | 12:00 PM | 10:00 AM | |
| 2:00 PM | 1:00 PM | 11:00 AM | |
| 3:00 PM | 2:00 PM | 12:00 PM | |
| 4:00 PM | 3:00 PM | 1:00 PM | |
| 5:00 PM | 4:00 PM | 2:00 PM | |
| 6:00 PM | 5:00 PM | 3:00 PM | |
| 7:00 PM | 6:00 PM | 4:00 PM | |
| 8:00 PM | 7:00 PM | 5:00 PM | |
| 9:00 PM | 8:00 PM | 6:00 PM | |
| 10:00 PM | 9:00 PM | 7:00 PM | |
| 11:00 PM | 10:00 PM | 8:00 PM | |
| 12:00 AM | 11:00 PM | 9:00 PM | |
| 1:00 AM | 12:00 AM | 10:00 PM | |
| 2:00 AM | 1:00 AM | 11:00 PM | |
| 3:00 AM | 2:00 AM | 12:00 AM | |
| 4:00 AM | 3:00 AM | 1:00 AM | |
| 5:00 AM | 4:00 AM | 2:00 AM | I might drunk dial you here if you do. |
| 6:00 AM | 5:00 AM | 3:00 AM | |
| 7:00 AM | 6:00 AM | 4:00 AM |
Thank you.
1Many people may argue that God is timeless, but that falls upon deaf ears here, for I have now lived in two different time zones, and can testify that God’s watch, built by none other than the blind watchmaker, is set to Eastern Standard Time.
By Yo Mamma August 15, 2007 - 4:43 am
I truly feel your pain. After visiting the West Coast last month, I now see the difficulty in not only receiving Eastie Calls, but making them as well. Just as I was settled and ready to call “back home”, I realized it was already 11 p.m.- a little late to call Gram who gets up at 4:30 a.m. (with the East Coast Chickens)….What’s a Mom to do? I really miss talking to both my West Coast boys at my convenience – so perhaps Dad and I will pack up our new Mercedes (sounds like we will now fit into the California lifestyle) and move West. Wake up Mikey and Nicky – Mom and Dad are movin’ in! We’ll be there by 8:00 – but I’m not sure what time zone….
By The Arf August 16, 2007 - 3:18 am
Life is really tough sometimes. Think of the people in Hawaii (yes part of U.S) They have to start grilling Italian sausage and peppers at 5:30 A.M. to get ready for the Big game. And the poor bookies have to set up shop at 4:30AM to start taking action. Monday night football at 3 o,clock while they’re at work and probably before Happy Hour. Then by 6 PM all sports are over and only Law and Order repeats or Andy Griffin to look forward to. I was going to call you with this message, but your time chart says it,s 4 AM ( 7 minus 3)there. See, I,m already getting the hang of it. Sleep tight
By Minh August 16, 2007 - 9:29 pm
Wah! Wah! Wah!
You also happen to have events like this taking place within view of your place:
http://laist.com/2007/08/15/bikini_girls_vball.php
By Lon August 18, 2007 - 6:33 pm
Hmmmmm, if only there was some type of mechanism that allowed you not to receive calls at unwanted times. Like some type of magic button that would allow you to turn your phone off at night.
By Jordo August 31, 2007 - 1:27 pm
Bro, you have know Idea how bad it can be… try 7 hour differences. Between you and me, our difference is 9 hours which makes it easy to catch you the night before but 7 hours you might as well cut off all ties to CST.