Today was a day like no other – one in which two of my beloved teams beat the living tar out of their opponents. It began with Ohio State’s massive (yet predictable) 48-3 victory, and ended nearly 12 hours later with the Cleveland Indians’ extra-innings destroyal of the much hated Boston Red Sox, whose bullpen collapse could be compared to any recent Whitney Houston meltdown.
Not only did the Buckeyes come through in flying colors, but they also vaulted themselves to the #1 ranking due to the humiliating defeats of the underachieving LSU Tigers and the overachieving Cal Golden Bears, who we hope enjoyed their 15 minutes of fame.
But it doesn’t stop there. Nearly every team in Ohio won their respective sports games today – which forces me to announce today as Ohio Obliteration Domination Day, or OODD for short.
In the MAC division, the highly underrated Ohio University Bobcats held off the advances of inbred rival Eastern Michigan in a thrilling exposition of defensive power, 48-42.
Miami of Ohio, otherwise known as ‘J-Crew U’, mustered the ability to find 22 male students who do not wear makeup and win a smothering 47-14 victory.
Division 3 powerhouse Mount Union blasted Wilmington in a 59-0 shutout that even made con artist Pete Carroll blush.
Ohio State’s favorite little brother, the Youngstown State Penguins, clamped down and beat the magic underpants off of Southern Utah in a thrilling 23-22 win.
Even our geeky friends at Case Western Reserve University1 got into the act. The Reservists defeated the even-geekier Carnegie Mellons in a 20-17 overtime victory.
OODD, strong with tradition, celebrates the true heroes of Ohio by giving gameballs to the Indians’ Trot Nixon for smashing the game open against his old teammates, Ohio U’s Kevin McRae and the entire Mount Union defense (Ohio State’s defense, unfortunately, is clearly undeserving of a gameball, having given up 3 unacceptable points).
However, with each gameball there is also a goat. Kent State, located south of Cleveland, was defeated by 39 points – how dare them! They nearly ruined Ohio Obliteration Domination Day, but we cannot allow their loss to get us down. After all, not everyone in Ohio can be perfect… at least not today.
Bowling Green is also a goat, having lost to a superior team. In order to alleviate the embarrassment of this team, Ohio has decided to give northwest Ohio to that state up north, who would gladly accept anything that raises the average from its Detroit-level status.
Times are good in Ohio, and if there’s any doubt in the 2008 Cleveland Prophesy, they will be answered tomorrow with the Cleveland Browns’ masterminded victory over the ailing Miami Dolphins.
Let us rejoice in having a Cleveland Indians team that is without a doubt the best chance this city has had for a championship in quite some time, and a whole cadre of college football teams who not only excel in academics, but also on the gridiron as well. Go Indians, Go #1 Buckeyes!
Update: The Browns won too!
1 Also known as CWRU, short for ‘Case Women R Ugly’